


Never thought that would happen

by lucyssecrets



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alpha Ben Solo, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Artists, Ben Solo is a Mess, But maybe she doesn't, Dark Reylo, Dominant Kylo Ren, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Lovers, Enemy Lovers, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Family Drama, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Forbidden Love, Hook Up, Humor, Jealousy, Kissing, Might become explicit, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, No shame, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Rey (Star Wars), Painting, Past Relationship(s), Rey hates Ben Solo, Rude Ben Solo, Secret Identity, Secret Relationship, Slow Burn, Thirsty Rey, sassy Rey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2019-07-27 13:26:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 43,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16220000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucyssecrets/pseuds/lucyssecrets
Summary: You'd think that you're prepared for mostly anything in life, when you've had a rough start, but boy was Rey surprised when she met the dark and brooding and anything she thought she never wanted in a man, Ben Solo, the bad, rude and obnoxious. And to top it all, they had to get along for at least one month until she became famous and started selling her paintings.





	1. Discovery

I was pretty much enjoying the party, it was given for me, right? So I had to put up with all the smiles and small talk. Don’t get me wrong, I’m amazingly grateful for everything but I’m not exactly the type to be in the spotlight. But you got to do what you got to do to blend in. From time to time though I felt the need to escape from all the noise. Thank God this mansion was big enough for me to hide in a different place each time. So this time I chose to wonder around on the first floor of it. I knew that they might have a library in here somewhere, that would be great to take my mind of off everything. While I was going deeper into the darkness of the house, as it had a certain “into the woods” vibe, I felt a little unsure that I was allowed to be in here. My dress was not exactly comfy, but when exactly are dresses comfy, so the blue velvet was hugging my waist a little too tight, at least it was an A line below the waist, no sleeves, so it left me a little bear for my taste and the v neck cleavage didn’t help either. Well it was a long dress, so that I liked.

  
Lost in thoughts about my dress, I didn’t notice a shadow on my right and a hand dragging me in a room I had no clue was there. Panic enveloped me, my mind in overdrive thinking I was being kidnapped. Never crossed my mind though that there was no reason anybody would do that yet, I wasn’t a public person so far. The shadow closed the door and trapped me between the door and it. I’m saying “it” as I was not sure if it was a him or a her. But make no mistake, once it molded its body with mine, I knew that it wasn’t a woman who took me. He had a hard body, pressing mine in all of my soft spots. Why did I like it? I was in danger and my stupid body was enjoying this man’s touch. Well the lack of such a touch in a long time might have been the reason.

  
He was so close I could feel him breathing down my face. He was drinking, the sweet flavor of alcohol blended with the one of cigarettes was intoxicating. One of his hands was on my waist, making sure I didn’t move, the other one was near one of my arms, on the door. Wait a minute, I knew that perfume from somewhere, I just wasn’t sure from where. This ghostly encounter was driving my heartbeat insane, pretty sure my adrenaline level was high in the sky.

  
He extended his hand that was on the door, somewhere on my left, pressing his body more into mine. What is it with us women and the pleasure of feeling hard muscles touching us all over? My brain was really not responding like it should in a dangerous situation. I wasn’t even screaming. And then I felt his lips near my ear.

  
"Seems you like to snoop around. You’ve been doing this the whole night."

  
Oh my God! It’s him, my legal counselor for my campaign… And this is his house. We agreed to have the party here so that we can keep an eye on the potential clients and to get a taste of what they want and if they represent a risk.

  
From the moment I first met him, I felt a strange pull to touch him and kiss those full lips, but I blamed this outing on my lack of body on body interaction and quickly dismissed it.

  
But now, oh now, I am really starting to feel him, all the places he’s touching me, his breath now falling down my neck, his voice vibrating against my skin, goose bumps all over my body. I pull up the energy to say a few words.

  
"I’m sorry, I just wanted to get away from all the noise."

  
"Hmm, but it’s all for you. You should be there delving in it."

  
"It’s not my style", I whisper trying to get my breath in check.

  
"And what is your style?"

  
You and me and … but of course I would never voice this thought.

  
"Maybe something darker and quieter?" He’s guessing.

  
I nod although I don’t think he can see it, but he can feel it.

  
"Mm, I can give you that."

  
OK, so he’s going to let me stay here for a while, right? Right?...

  
"You know, I’ve been watching you the whole night wondering if I’ll get a few minutes alone with you."

  
"Why?"

  
"Here, drink this."

  
And he’s now touching the rim of a glass to my lips. The liquid has a powerful smell, similar to the one I felt on his breath.

  
"I don’t drink."

  
And then he’s turning on a small lamp near us and I get to see him and his body flush against mine, the way he’s looking at me hits me right in my core. I cannot mistake what he’s saying with his eyes. He’s handing me the glass again. I nod that I don’t want it, he nods that I should.

  
"You might need it for what will happen next."

  
This man… what is he doing to me? I take a small sip, feeling the liquid warming me up from head to toe I’m lost in taking the alcohol down and don’t register that he put the glass down and now he’s getting closer, if that’s even possible.

  
"Hold on."

  
Hold on to what? And why? Stupid brain, stop overthinking.

  
And then his lips are touching mine and I loose every thought I had. He’s not kissing me, no no, he’s showing me with his lips what can happen next if I don’t stop him. But it feels so good, how could I say no. When his warm and soft lips are having a private conversation with mine, plotting against me regaining my conscious.

So I am doing the next best thing, meaning finding his arms and really holding on, I am actually starting to get dizzy from this kiss. It’s centering all of my energy in my lips and, well, in my belly. One of his hands is slowly lifting my dress and I can’t wait for him to find my warm skin and touch it.

  
All good things come to an end, they say. So is our soon to be “more than just a kiss” when somebody chooses that particular moment to knock on the door we’re up against.

  
“Be silent and they might go away.”

  
Well that sounds like a plan, and you’d think it’s piece of cake, but he’s not stopping his road to discover me. He’s kissing my neck and licking it just a bit, and yes, his hand is now on my leg, going up towards my hip.

  
An involuntary moan escapes my lips and he abruptly stops, looking me straight in the eyes.

  
“I told you to be quiet. Because we have to stop now, we'll settle this later. “

  
I’m standing there freezing, completely in awe, one minute he’s making me see starts and now we’re in the dark together.


	2. The beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's start with the beginning of their story.

[](https://ibb.co/McG0wgD)

Ok, let me take you back to a few months ago when this whole thing started. And when I’m saying this whole thing I’m talking about how this Ben Solo man entered my life like a tornado.

  
I’d like to say it was a peaceful day, the sun was rising letting me know that I had an amazing day ahead, the weather was just perfect and I was in the mood to enjoy life as much as possible.

  
But no, it was quite the opposite, it was raining, at least it wasn’t that cold, I was wearing a pencil skirt, silk white blouse, high heels and a trench, and of course an umbrella. The traffic was horrible so I went with calling a cab to take me to Leia’s offices downtown. Leia was my PR/ advertising/ most important person in my career in that moment. She was famous for her rebel way of approaching advertising campaigns for each of her clients, she knew what you wanted before telling her.

  
Today was the first day when we met the team that was supposed to help me rise and get my art known. You might wonder what my art was, well the one I want the public to see are my paintings. I have an entire collection at this point that can sustain an art gallery, but as I have no clue what this involves, I needed a team.

  
So here I am, entering the Rebel Alliance’s building, ready as I’ll ever be to change my life. I am waiting for Leia’s assistant, Finn, to pick me up from the reception, while trying to calm down my fuzzy rain hair.

  
“Miss Rey, if you please follow me, Leia and the team are waiting in one of our meeting rooms.”

  
I never tell people my surname, it brings back a lot of bad memories, my legacy which I’d have to explain, so I’m Rey for everybody. Leia is the only one who knows the story and she agreed to keep the details between us.

  
Finn helped me take off my trench and get rid of my soaked umbrella (yes, I used it from the cab until the building entrance) on our way to the meeting room. I can now see the full room awaiting me, with Leia at the head of the table. All heads turn when Finn announces my presence. And I am trying to take all the faces in and register them for later. I’m pretty sure I will work with all of them, and I am so not good with names.

  
“Oh good, you’re here. Everybody, this is our new artist and she’s here for us to make famous.”

  
Leia’s way of introducing me and of course everybody’s smiling and nodding at me.

  
“Please, take a sit”, she says, pointing at the seat to her right. “Poe, be a sweetheart and bring a cup of coffee to Rey here.”

  
Poe, one of the guys staying near me, does as Leia asks. He’s handsome, that’s the only thing I can confirm for now. And of course very polite, giving me the coffee and asking me if I want milk, or any spices.

How could I say no to milk?

  
“Yes, please, and one spoon of brown sugar.”

  
“I would’ve pictured you for liking your coffee black, raw. Disappointing.”

  
Lost in the process of responding to Poe, I didn’t hear the door of the room open and another person joining our meeting. His voice startled me, not to mention his comments were a little disturbing, leaving me almost speechless… for a few seconds, and then my sassy mouth was back.

  
“And how exactly would you know what I like if I have no idea who you are?” And now he has my undivided attention, and look who’s talking? He’s dressed in black, all black from head to toe, to match his black hair and dark brown eyes. If I were to choose a name to describe him, dark would be it. Black suit pants, black button down shirt, black watch, black expensive leather shoes. Oh, and even his voice is dark, gives me the chills.

  
“Now now, kids, calm down. Ben, you are late, as usual. Saved you a seat, facing Rey here. You might remember your role in this meeting, I hope. Grab a coffee, and join us, will you?”

  
“Of course, mother.”

  
Wait, what? Ben here is Leia’s son? And I just snapped at him? Oh well, suits him right for being rude.

  
The silence in the room is killing me, awkward would be a mild word to describe it. We’re saved by Leia who’s ready to start the meeting.

  
“Ok, so, today we will cover the basics. Rey, I will introduce the team working on our project and we’ll get the ball rolling effective immediately. My plan is to have your paintings exposed in 2 months from now. I know it’s a short time, there’s a lot to do, but I can assure you that this team will pull it through.”

  
And then we are lost for the next hour in logistic details I would’ve never been capable to put together, and who will do what in the team and what I have to do. And I am getting excited by the minute, this is really happening, I will finaly share with the world what I’ve been dealing with since I could paint. And it’s kind of scary as well, there will be people who know me and will see right through my paintings. But this is something I need to do to move on.

  
Mister Ben Rude Solo masters the art of ignoring me and I am grateful for this, but it hits us both when Leia decides that we need to visit a few art galleries together today.

  
“Mother, I think Rey can do this on her own. There’s no need for my babysitting.”

  
“Nonsense, I am not sending you to babysit this powerful woman, which I am sure can take care of both of you without struggling with it. You have to go to discuss the legal terms, and you know we do this for all our clients. You came with your car here, right?”

  
“Well, of course.”

  
“Yes, of course, God forbid my almighty son joining the subway community. Well, you will take Rey to these three locations and please do take notes for each of them, I expect a full summary of pros and cons to discuss on tomorrow. Ok everybody, thank you for your time, let’s start building a beautiful ascension for Rey. Rey, you have my number, don’t hesitate to call me if Ben insults you, even though I am sure you can handle him just fine.”

  
If looks could kill, Ben would finish my life in a second right now. It’s like it’s my fault his mother is publicly shaming him. Looking back at everybody in the room, this doesn’t seem like something new, so he can continue staring at me like that, I can ignore him just fine.

  
Unceremoniously, he leaves the room leaving me no option but to run after him in my high heels, somehow managing to recover my trench and my umbrella from Finn’s awaiting arms, him also pointing me that the car is in the underground parking lot. By luck only, I catch the elevator Ben is in, almost hitting him with my umbrella. I’m not one to inflict pain but for Ben I just might make an exception. There’s of course an awkward silence in the elevator and he manages to get out of it first, again I’m following him like a lost puppy.

  
A black Volvo XC90 beeps and he’s getting in, not sure why I expected him to open my door. These high heels are a challenge to enter his car, but somehow I make it without scratching anything.

  
“Don’t expect any pleasantries from my side, I’m not a nice guy. I’m the guy you’d wish you’d stay away from, from any point of view. Now put your seat belt on if you don’t want me to do it for you, and trust me when I say, gentle is not a word you’ll find in my vocabulary.”


	3. Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey go on a search for the perfect art gallery for Rey's work, but typically Ben, the trip comes with a twist.

[](https://ibb.co/8BmQSkv)   


And then there’s silence, because I have no idea what exactly I can say to such a brooding , obnoxious man. He doesn’t say anything so why should I be the one to break the ice? We get out of the parking lot and are met with blinding light, I forgot that it’s not that late though, still morning. I get a change to study his profile, because between his acid comments and menacing looks, I didn’t have time to really look at him, like really take in all of his features. His aquiline nose is the first thing that draws my attention, it is imposing, telling me not to mess with its owner if I’m not ready to fight in a tornado. His eyes are now hidden by sunglasses but I’ve seen his sharp look and sometimes I guess he doesn’t need words to express himself. I wonder how I’d feel having him undress me only with a look?

  
Wait a minute! What was that thought? Oookk, moving on. So yeah, his lips are full, but what would they taste like? Now hold on, this is the man who has been rude to me from the second he saw me and I’m now having sexual fantasies about him? Something is wrong with me. And now I’m getting all tingly and warm and I’m sure my cheeks are a light shade of red, and it’s not because of my blush. I need to focus my thoughts on a different subject, so I choose to look out the window and lose myself in the view of people rushing to get where they are needed. I love being here, I love the noise, the constant movement, I could never survive living in the country side. The music in the car redirects my thoughts when I know it’s one of my favorite songs, and it looks like Ben doesn’t seem bothered by it. Meaning that he leaves it on and I feel the urge to turn the volume up.

  
With the risk of starting a new fight with him, I extend my arm towards the volume where I am met by his hand doing the same thing. Like in a chick flick, except, except my papers are not scattered all over the floor and we’re bumping our heads trying to gather them, I freeze. Not sure why, but I expected his hand to be cold, while it’s quite the opposite, very very warm, sending hot chills (if that’s even logically possible) all over my arms, to the rest of my body. Under normal circumstances, I would make fun of such a scene, try to flirt a little and move on, but you have to remember this is Ben, jerk of all jerks.

  
“Why are you touching me?”

  
“Are you serious right now? I’m just turning up the volume. And don’t forget you’re in my car.”

  
“You’re such a…”

  
“I’m gonna stop you right there before you regret what you were about to say. Because I can assure you I do not deal well with insults. “

  
“Whatever. Are we there?”

  
“Great grown up attitude, Rey.”

  
“Shut up and leave me alone.”

  
I say that while absently rubbing the hand he just touched on my left thigh.

  
“Yeah, sure. I’m going to let you touch yourself thinking it’s me who’s doing it.”

  
“What the fuck are you talking about?”

  
“Language, Rey. And you do know I can see your hand touching your thigh up and down and again?”

  
“It’s cold.”

  
“Yeah, sure, keep lying to yourself. It sure fits with your style.”

  
“Do I want to know what the hell you meant by that?”

  
“It depends. Do you like people telling you the truth even if it’s not nice?”

  
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  
“Oh, I know your kind, Rey. Pretend everything is great, ignore people that really make you feel something. I know how to live like a robot.”

  
“Why? Speaking from experience?”

  
“See, now you’re throwing around judgement without knowing what you’re talking about.”

  
“You know what? I bet you never had to worry about what you’re going to eat the next day, or, I don’t know, afraid that you’re alone and nobody’s looking for you?”

  
“And you know?”

  
This is one of those moments when I just don’t feel like seeing his look full of pity and have this stigma over my head from now on. So I choose to do what he accused me of doing, and lie.

  
“No, I don’t , but we shouldn’t take anything for granted. And maybe you could be nice for a change.”

  
“No reason to be nice.”

  
“I rest my case.”

  
“Don’t care. We’re here.”

  
He just stops the car and, of course, doesn’t wait for me. I should be grateful that he’s waiting for me in front of the building.

  
“Next time wear some heels you can walk on.”

  
I greet my teeth at him and say in a whisper, only for his ears:

  
“Do not think for a second that I am one of those bimbos you keep getting caught with in all the gossip magazines, and that you can treat me however you feel like it. I am not punching you right now because I don’t want to make a scene. So let’s pretend for the next minutes that we get along. Play nice for your mom, Ben. “

  
And I attempt to move away from him and enter the building, but he catches my arm and draws me too close to him, now him doing the whispering, living goose bumps down my neck.

  
“Oh sweet Rey, did nobody teach you not to poke the bear? I sure as hell like a challenge when I see one and you’re rapidly reaching my top 3 new next things to try. But noted on the pretending piece, I know you like that a lot.”

  
And then he let’s me go, I’ve never imagined that somebody can make me feel a lot of things in the same time, oh and have me hate him for that. But he’s right with one thing, I like to pretend that everything is ok, it helped me survive so far, I see no reason why I should stop.

  
I try to focus on the art galleries we visit, keeping my eyes on the venues, and trying to imagine having my paintings on each wall. I am not sure these are the only galleries we are going to check or it's just the beginning, but I refuse to ask Ben, to be honest I limit all of my words directed at him. I do appreciate his thorough questions for each of the curators, I know he’s not doing this for me, he has to report back to his mother.

  
The last venue seems to call me so I let Ben discuss business and wonder around the rooms with the narrow paths. I end up in a dark room, the only light is being focused on the sculpture in the middle of the room, which is protected by a glass box. Must be precious if they took this security measure. Although the sculpture is not a very detailed one, and it’s rather small. Getting close to it I see that they are infinity signs linked together, maybe three of them. So what, the infinity of infinity? My mind thinks of all the possibilities to interpret it, but somehow I feel the air in the room changing. And then my back is warm from his front touching me.

  
“Of all the art in here, you chose to look at the most complicated one? And might I add, the most expensive one. I didn’t picture you as a snob, Rey.”

  
Getting (or trying to get) over the effect that he has on me when he’s invading my personal space, I pull my thoughts together and manage not to say something dirty, completely unrelated to our discussion.

  
“I consider art in every shape, form, color or material to be priceless. So the fact that this is expensive says nothing to me. The artist always shares a piece of himself when creating, and that right there is priceless.”

  
“Such a deep discussion, and it’s still early in the day. You really know how to turn around a conversation.”

  
“So you don’t agree with me? Or is this conversation too much for you? Big Ben can’t handle it? Pun intended. You know, you and that old English clock…”

  
“Is it satisfying for you?”

  
“What’s that?”

  
“Playing with me? Or what some might call mind fucking?”

  
“What?”

  
Breathe Rey, easy does it.

  
“Your feisty comments. I have a feeling they worked just fine with other people or men intimidated by your presence, but I am not like the rest of them. So…”

  
And he pushes towards the sculpture so that we’re both touching the glass, but not touching each other. Although his hands are near mine and my body is trapped by his.

  
“Hmm, like this piece here, I’m different. It takes a lot of effort to get a reaction out of me. See the glass surrounding the infinity signs? I learned early in life that it’s better to always be guarded, keeps you intact, in one piece. If you want to play the player, I suggest you bring on the big guns and maybe, just maybe, you’ll make me flinch.”

  
“Who’s doing the mind fucking now?” I whisper, not sure he heard me.

  
But it seems he did…

  
“As I was saying, you can’t beat me at my own game.”

  
I close my eyes and wish I could disappear to get rid of the way he’s forcing me to feel things.

  
“What gave you the impression I want to play with you, Ben? Can’t we act like two normal people that have to work together?”

  
“Don’t be afraid, Rey! I feel it too, the pull. The excitement of teasing somebody. I can tell you like it as much as I do, you just don’t know how to do it. I can teach you.”

  
He moves his hands and puts them on top of mine and guides them to something similar to a lock and helps me open the glass.

  
“Ben, no! I don’t think we’re allowed to open it. You’ll start the alarm.”

  
“Mmm, no. We’ll start it, we’re doing this together. Come on, Rey, let go and enjoy doing something you can’t control.”

  
We open the glass box and then we’re touching the sculpture. My heart is beating like crazy, but I can’t deny I don’t like this.

  
“Can you feel it? It’s so cold, but so smooth, round with no rough edges. Down here you can feel a small piece where the sculptor hesitated, not sure where to go from there. If you follow the shapes, it’s a never ending move, always going back to where you initially started.”

  
This, what we’re doing right now, simply touching a piece of art, feels more intimate then the last time I kissed somebody.

  
And then the alarm starts, a horrible sound that would be impossible to resist, but I still feel his lips touching my ear.

  
“Run, Rey, run. Now.”


	4. What are you doing here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a full day of Ben's carousel of emotions, Rey finds herself in another unwanted situation.

[](https://ibb.co/k2FTwnN)   
  


Is he kidding me? Run where? My fight-or-flight response instantly kicks in and of course I start running. For a second I look at Ben who’s running on my right side. I’m trying to remember where the exit is and where he parked the car, but my mind is kind of refusing to gather such details and give them to me right now, with all the adrenaline pumping through my system. I almost miss Ben stopping and taking a left turn.

  
“Rey!! Follow me!”

  
And like a good submissive that I was not aware that I am, of course I follow him. It’s like I can’t resist him and blindly follow him.

  
“Here, get in.”

  
And he pushes me in a small room, looks like a broom closet with all the adjacent cleaning tools. Did I mention it’s pitch black and he’s closing the door with him in the room? What am I saying? There’s not even room between us. Of course he had to find the smallest room in the entire gallery.

  
“We’ll stay here until the alarm stops and maybe wait for an extra ten minutes to make sure the coast is clear.”

  
“What are you, James Bond all of a sudden?”

  
“Very funny, Rey. Might I remind you that I haven’t heard you say no so far? I’m just waiting for you to admit I was right.”

  
“Never. And stop moving, I can’t breathe.”

  
“Is it because of my…”

  
“No, no and no. Don’t even dare go there. Just shut up so that we can focus on the sounds outside this room.”

  
And surprisingly, he listens to me and stops talking. But, boy, was I wrong to ask him that, because now, through the silence, I can actually sense his fragrance, his minty breath, and yes, when he breathes in and out, and if I concentrate a little bit more, I can actually feel his heart beats. My body, the traitor, starts sending me signals I try to unsuccessfully ignore. I can feel Ben moving his left hand and almost touching mine. I am wondering if he can sense how my skin is about to ignite. I am about to scream at him to touch me already, in the heat of the moment, but somehow I manage to keep my mouth shut.

  
“It stopped.”

  
Slowly I open my eyes like he just woke me up from a dream.

  
“What?” Oh, that’s not embarrassing at all, seems I lost not only my mind, but my voice as well in the process of making a fool of myself.

  
“The alarm, it’s not ringing anymore. Come on, let’s go. This is getting boring.”

  
Asshole.

  
“You go out first, I’m not risking being caught.”

  
“Where’s the fun in what we just did if we don’t risk a little bit more?”

  
“I thought you said this is boring.”

  
“Oh Rey, that’s not what I was talking about.”

  
“Then what? Are you calling me boring?”

  
“Never mind, wait here and I’ll tell you if it’s ok to get out.”

  
Somehow we make it out to his car without meeting anybody. I am finally feeling safe inside his car. I know, weird, taking into consideration the mood in the confines of his car so far.

  
As soon as we are off, his phone rings. Bad luck for him, his phone is connected to his car, so he can’t ignore who’s calling without me having to bug him for not answering.

  
The minute he answers, the silence in the car dissipates.

  
“What the hell is wrong with you, Ben? I thought we had an understanding, most specifically, don’t fuck it up.”

  
Wow, mamma Leia swears and she makes you feel like her words are cutting you even if she’s not physically present.

  
“Mother…”

  
“Do not mother me. Alex called and told me all about how you started one of the most expensive alarm systems they ever installed so far. And you got Rey to do it with you. This is a new low you’re hitting, Ben.”

  
“Rey is in the car with me, and you are on speaker.”

  
“Excuse my choice of words, Rey, but this situation doesn’t put us in a good position. Let’s discuss it tonight over dinner. Ben will pick you up around 7 from your apartment.”

  
“Do you even mind asking me if I have anything planned for the night?”

  
“Don’t care, cancel everything. Rey is your priority for the next months, until we have the gallery night. If I were you, I’d cancel life until then. Well, good talking. Rey, I will see you tonight.”

  
“Yes, of course.”

  
“Mother fucker!”

  
I see him hitting pretty hard the steering wheel and about to spit fire.

  
“This is all your fault.”

  
“How the hell is this all my fault? You’re the one who was in the mood to have a little fun, live on the edge.”

  
“Your demeanor was asking for it.”

  
“Like how? What gave you the impression that I need to, how did you put it, let go?”

  
“You look so composed, miss prim and proper. That’s what gave you away.”

  
Mkey, so he must be blind because I know for sure that my hair is frizzy and my makeup smudged because of the lovely humidity due to the rain.

  
“You’re out of your mind.”

  
“Yeah, that’s no news to me. You should get used to this. Now, where do you want me to drop you off?”

  
“I’ll give you the address.”

  
He manages to type it in the navigation system and we had straight there, no additional comments being exchanged.

  
“What’s this thing? Looks like illegal activities happen behind those doors. I didn’t peg you for doing anything that doesn’t match the word “perfect” and this is far from it.”

  
“There you go again with your judgmental attitude. This is where I spend my days painting, my artist den. And by the way, you can easily do perfect illegal activities, when you put your mind to it.”

  
“Point taken. Can I come with?”

  
“No, that’s a definite no. Thank you for driving me here. I’m sure Leia will give you my address for tonight. Goodbye, Ben.”

  
And I am out of his car the fastest I’ve ever moved. I hurry to open the gates of my heaven and use them as a shield between myself and mister trouble outside. And I can finally feel like I can breathe, my muscles relax and I let my body move without any restraints.

  
What is wrong with me? In a few hours I went through so many moods, I can’t even point out how I am feeling right now. Maybe confused, tired, fuzzy brain, and it seems I can’t get the image of those dark and dangerous eyes out of my mind. But he is so rude…

  
I drop my bag, take off my heels, remove my trench and get a little comfortable. I’m in the mood to be creative. Must be the last hours that are still hanging in the air. I put on an apron so that I don’t get my clothes dirty with paint, and start painting. My go to color today is black, I keep going back to it and mix it with all the others I’m using. I’m in a trance, oblivious to my surroundings. This is what usually happens when I loose myself in my thoughts and how I am expressing them in my paintings. I have no clue how many hours pass, until somebody is patting my shoulder.

  
“Rey! I’ve been calling your name for minutes now.”

  
“Oh my, Rose. Sorry, you know how I’m locked in my head when I’m doing this.”

  
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Let me see this one.”

  
I move over and allow her to see what I’ve been working on.

  
“Wow, Rey! This is amazing. Might as well mark it as center piece for your gallery.”

  
“What? No, I just painted it to release some pressure.”

  
“Pressure from? What am I missing here?”

  
“That damn Ben Solo.”

  
“Hold on, are you talking about infamous Ben Solo, bachelor and trouble maker, but somehow always with a different woman by his side?”

  
“Yeah, that’s the one. He’s Leia’s son.”

  
“I know that. So?”

  
“He works for Leia…”

  
“So?”

  
“Come on, Rose. Catch the drift. I had a meeting with Leia and her staff today.”

  
“And Ben was there? What did he do? Should I prepare an alibi for you?”

  
“That escalated quickly. You assume I killed him already?”

  
“Well you don’t like to be fed bullshit, you don’t react too good to it.”

 

“But I wouldn’t kill somebody because of it.”

  
“Hey now, I don’t want to get you mad, more than you already are. Now tell me, what did he do?”

  
“Let’s grab a coffee and I’ll tell you all about it. What time is it?”

  
“Mmm, 5.”

  
“Damn it, I have to get ready.”

  
“For what exactly?”

  
“Dinner with Ben and Leia.”

  
“Sounds interesting. I’ll take you home and help prepare and you can tell me all the juicy details.”

  
I actually skip the juicy parts, I’m not ready yet to share them and really understand what they mean. Rose would do that, analyze everything and find a deeper meaning. And I don’t want to do deep now, I like only to scratch the surface. She helps me with my hair and makeup. Once we’re done, having a good look at myself in the mirror, I can conclude that Ben was right, I do look composed, and I like it a lot. Not a hair gone wild, my face has no trace of the crazy day I’ve been through. Oh, I will never admit this publicly, and for sure not to Ben.

  
“Ok, girl, you’re like so ready to slay.”

  
“Rose! It’s just dinner and I’m almost certain they will fight, it’s what they usually do. They will not pay that much attention to me.”

  
“Sure sure, you can drown your sorrow in some good wine and while you’re at it, you can study the perfect body of Solo. And I mean Ben.”

  
“You’re crazy.”

  
“No no, you’re crazy for not enjoying already the view as you should, like any normal woman would.”

 

“Ok, that's enough Ben for the night for you.”

  
And with that, somebody’s knocking at the door. Seems like my Ben dose for the day keeps on coming, no pun intended whatsoever. Rose beats me to it and opens the door to a not so happy Ben, who’s of course dressed in an all black suit that was made to hug his perfect body, as Rose said.

  
“Hi, I’m here to pick up Rey.”

  
“And you are?”

  
Gotta love Rose when she’s grilling people.

  
“Oh, she’s expecting me.”

  
“You haven’t answered my question.”

  
“So you really don’t know who I am?”

  
“Would I ask this question otherwise?”

  
You go, Rose!

  
“I am Ben Solo.”

  
“Riiiight, ok. Rey, some Ben here is waiting for you.”

  
I am right behind her, hidden by the door, but she had to go and yell, being theatrical as she loves to be. I reveal myself to Ben, moving Rose behind me.

  
“Hi. Well, I’m ready.”

  
After a thorough head to toe investigation, done, or maybe the right word here would be performed with no shame by Ben, I have a feeling he didn’t miss any details about how I look.

  
“Mmm, yeah, you sure are.”

“Pardon?”

  
“I mean, yeah, we can go.”

  
For a minute there, I thought I saw a confused or surprised Ben, but he recovered too damn quick.

  
“Ok, then, bye, Rose. Can you close for me?”

  
“Sure thing, babe. But I think I’ll wait up for you to return. To check if you’re back in one piece, you know how I don’t trust strangers.”

  
And she freaking winks at me, like I’m about to get lucky tonight and she helped me with it. No, I do not want to get lucky tonight in that way.

  
There’s a limo outside, waiting for us, and yes, my prayers have been heard, Leia is in it. Just didn’t need more alone time with Ben.

  
“Good evening, Leia!”

  
“Oh dear Rey, you’re so formal. Would love to show you some sketches of how we’d see the paintings exposed in the gallery, until we get to the restaurant.”

  
“Of course.”

  
And I take a sit near Leia and loose track of time while she explains which paintings will go where.

  
“We’re here”, Ben announces.

  
He didn’t get involved in our discussion, but I don’t mind at all. I like peaceful moments from time to time.

  
The restaurant is spectacular, we got a table by the window, the view of the city by night being breathtaking. Leia has managed to be civilized to Ben so far, she informed us that she calmed the gallery owner and actually sealed the deal for my show. This news pleases me a lot as there is something about that gallery that calls my name. Ben gets a call and the atmosphere at the table changes suddenly. Leia doesn’t appreciate interruptions, note to self.

  
“Mother, I have to go.”

  
“Like right now?”

  
“Yes, now.”

  
“I thought we agreed that you will clear your schedule for the night.”

  
“It’s an emergency.”

  
“I cannot think of one emergency that I would not be informed about.”

  
“You’d love that, wouldn’t you? To have control of all the aspects of my life?”

  
“Ben.”

  
“You have no clue what you’re talking about. I have to go. Enjoy the rest of the dinner.”

  
And with that he is gone.

  
“I’m sorry that you had to witness that, Rey.”

  
“Please do not apologize for Ben.”

  
“Ben is… complicated. But he is my son and I love him.”

  
“No need to explain this to me, Leia.”

  
The rest of the dinner is somewhat on neutral topics. Leia is lost in her thoughts and we end the night earlier then predicted.

  
Rose is waiting for me at home, as she promised, waiting for my story, she knew I would be safe. She wouldn’t have let me go if she wasn’t sure about this.

  
“No story to tell, he left before we had dessert. And it was weird, he said he had an emergency, Leia had no clue about it. The dinner took a strange turn from there.”

  
“Yeah, sounds peculiar to say the least. Maybe he’s just doing this to annoy Leia.”

  
“I thought so too, initially, but he looked pretty aggravated to be fake.”

  
“Wait just a sec, my phone is ringing. Yeah, hi, I’m still up, yes.”

  
I let Rose continue her phone conversation and go to grab a bottle of ice cold water from the fridge. That should calm my inner struggles, well at least numb me for a bit.

  
“Well, girl, looks like it is your lucky night after all.”

  
“Why is that?”

  
“Well remember my friend from school, Poe?”

  
“Yes, he’s working for Leia, you know? I saw him today.”

  
“Of course, silly. How do you think I know about Ben and his numerous dates?”

  
“Valid point. Go on.”

  
“He’s been invited to a private event and he asked if we’d like to join him. He gave a warning though, it’s not for the faint of heart.”

  
“Now I’m interested. I hope it involves alcohol.”

  
“Oh, it’s better than that.”

  
“Rose, we’re not going to a swingers club. Are we?”

  
“Ok, not that interesting. But with an open bar interesting,..”

  
“Well, good. When do we have to go and should I change?”

  
“He’ll be here in ten minutes, and no, you’ll fit right in. It’s something pretty fancy. I’ll go grab one of your little black dresses and we should be good to go.”

  
“By all means, choose whatever you want.”

  
Poe looks a little taken aback when he sees me, he did know Rose will bring a friend, but he didn’t expect me.

  
“Are you ok, Poe?”

  
“Yeah, I am. Is Rose ready?”

  
“You know I don’t bite, don’t you?”

  
“What?”

  
“I’m kidding, Poe. Are you ok with me joining you two?”

  
“Why wouldn’t I be?”

  
“That’s why I’m asking. I thought you looked annoyed by my presence.”

  
“We should be fine.”

  
“I have no doubt about it.”

  
But I do, something doesn’t sit right with him. Moving on, we get to the private event which looks like a big fancy barn lighted only for us not to trip on our way to the entrance. If this is one of those barns from the Saw movie, at least I am happy I will not be able to see anything.

  
“Come on, we’re not getting killed tonight. I promise.”

  
Rose always knowing what I’m thinking of.

  
Once we go inside, I’m blown away. In the middle of the barn, which looks like an exclusive lounge with round tables, there’s a boxing ring surrounded by safety glass, so I’m starting to understand what we’ll witness tonight. Or at least I can assume.

  
“You brought me to a fight, Rose?”

  
“Exactly, this will help you relax.”

  
“It’s not just a simple fight. You can place bets. The ones that place the bet in the first minutes of the fight get a chance to personally see the winner, backstage and all.”

  
“Thanks, Poe, that makes it more appealing now. But no, thanks.”

  
“We can just watch, Rey, calm down.”

  
Poe takes us to a table close to the ring. Too close for my taste or the lack of seeing blood.

  
“How’d you get such a good table?” I ask Poe.

  
“Oh I know people that know people.”

  
“You couldn’t be more cryptic than this.”

  
“Ladies, enough talking. The fight is about to begin. Take a seat, order anything you want, it’s on the house. I have to take care of something, but I will be back before it starts.”

  
“We’ll be here”, I say and then turn all my attention to Rose. “You could’ve warned me, you know.”

  
“Would you have said yes?”

  
“I don’t know.”

  
“There you go, that’s why. You had a bad day, so it was time to try something new.”

  
“We’re not going to agree on the subject, so let’s order some drinks and I’ll think about it between glasses.”

  
Our drinks arrive at the table in the same time as Poe comes back. And the only lightning sources are cut off, only the ring can be seen.

  
Then a man takes the mic and introduces the fighters. But he doesn’t say what their names are, and their faces are covered when they enter the ring.

  
“Rey, wanna place a bet?” Rose whispers.

  
“What? No. Or not tonight.”

  
“I do like the sound of that. Ok, next time.”

  
“That’s not what I meant.”

  
“Shh, the fight is starting.”

  
And then I am mesmerized by the fighters and how they smoothly avoid each other’s hits and attack their opponent. It doesn’t look brutal, it’s a very good coordinated movement of amazingly trained muscles. It’s not like boxing, there’s no gloves, not that many rules, just the first one hitting the ground looses. I can tell they are both very well trained as they keep on going for about forty minutes or so. One of them hits the ground eventually and the crowd cheers. What draws my attention is the winner, he doesn’t look excited that he won, more like he wants to run from the ring.

  
I think it’s time to go to the bathroom, now that everybody is still sitting down. I ask Poe for instructions and try to follow them in the dark. Thank God the bathroom lights are turned on.

  
I am washing my hands when I feel somebody gasp behind me.

  
“What the hell are you doing here?”

  
Oh, I know that voice, it haunted my worst nightmares and my reality, unfortunately.

  
“Mother.”


	5. A blast from the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey's past was supposed to be kept there, in the past, away from her friends and current life. But nothing goes as planned when you can't control other people, not even yourself.

[](https://ibb.co/7WWJLj5)   


“Rey. Again, what are you doing here?”

  
“What’s in it for you? It’s not like you care about what I’m doing.”

  
“It’s dangerous for you to be here. You must leave now.”

  
“Cut the crap, mother. Don’t pretend that you actually give a damn. Why exactly should I leave?”

  
“People might recognize you.”

  
“I’ve survived so many years without anybody linking me to you and father. I don’t think it will happen tonight.”

  
“You’ve never been this close to our world.”

  
“What world is that, mother? You never had any answers for me. It was easier to treat me like I was a nothing, like I didn’t matter.”

  
“Is that why you left?”

  
“Are you kidding me right now? You and father left me, you never came back for me. What else was I supposed to do?”

  
“What are you talking about? We…”

  
“You know what? I don’t care. And I do not want to hear some lame excuse. Not the place, not the time.”

  
“OK, but when? Can I see you soon?”

  
“Never, mother. We are done. In fact, we were done years ago.”

  
I storm out of the bathroom, trying to contain the tears that are threatening to cloud my vision. This can’t be happening, not now. Before going back to the table, I take a moment to recover. Rose has no clue about my past and I plan on keeping it like that. My past doesn’t and shall never define who I am now.

  
I’m surprised to see that Rose and Poe are not at the table, so I take a sit and text Rose that I want to go home. A few minutes go by and she returns looking incredibly energized, like she’s about to run a marathon or something.

  
“Oh my God, Rey! Where have you been? I have to tell you a lot.”

  
“Rose, no! We decided to…” Poe intervenes before she can spill whatever she wanted to tell me.

  
I don’t pay them any attention, I’m too lost in what happened in the bathroom to question their exchange of lines.

  
“But, Poe…”

  
“No, come on. Remember what he said.”

  
It’s like a blur, I know they are near me, I can hear them talking, I just refuse to register anything of that.

  
“Rey, what’s wrong?”

  
“What? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking.”

  
“You weren’t here with us. Tell me.”

  
“Nothing, Rose. I am really tired and want to go home now.”

  
“Ok, ok, let’s go. Poe has to stay for a while, but we can grab a cab. Come on.”

  
We go out and wait for the cab, in the chill of the night. I know it’s getting colder, but I don’t care. The rage that’s building up underneath my skin keeps me warmer than I’d like.

 

*******************************

I can see her standing outside with her friend, I must look like a stalker for following them with my eyes. Why is she here? This is not the set up I’d see her enjoying. She could’ve ruined everything in a second if she would’ve taken the time to glue the puzzle pieces together. But she didn’t, she seemed lost in her head, and this calms me. For now… and for everybody’s safety. The cab takes them away in the night and away from all of this. Time for me to face the ugly reality.

*******************************

 

I don’t even take the time to check what Rose is doing behind me when I get home. I go to my room, strip of all the clothes and remove my makeup, and get in the shower. I’ve got no clue for how long I scrub myself under the hot water, but it feels good. Like I’m a new me, at least on the outside. I let the water clean up all the imprints this day has left on me, wish it did the same to the angst I feel within me. I used to think I had it all figured out, a safe place to live, all connections to my past killed when I ran away. The need to control everything related to me has to do with my family and the past I had with them. This is a subject I’m so not ready to open about, it has been kept so well as a secret so far. But somehow today it managed to catch me with my guard down. I’m not like this , I always pay attention to my surroundings, to my friends, I’m a little paranoid to never be followed by somebody, but today… Today I slipped and fooled myself that maybe I can have a normal life. And I know who’s to blame. I promise myself I will not let this happen again, that is if I want to make it on my own from now on.

  
Rose’s voice on the other side of the bathroom door pulls me out of my internal struggle.

  
“Rey, everything ok in there? You’re phone’s been ringing for some time now. It’s an unknown number.”

  
My legs give away and I find myself half kneeling in the shower. It can’t be, I made sure my number was untraceable, changed it regularly and claiming myself as clumsy in front of my friends whenever I “lost” my phone.

  
“Rey, if you will not say anything, I will consider that you fainted and I’m going to break down this door.”

  
Her worry both warms me and makes me smile a bit, just imagining her trying to break down this door. I used to think I was short, but meeting Rose made me reconsider this. She’s really petite.

  
“I’m fine, I’ll be out in a minute.”

  
“Ok, I’ll wait in the living room.”

  
She knows when to give me spaces to regroup and when to push me, but sometimes she let’s her over-protectiveness take over and insists on making sure I’m fine. I’m not her charity case, she knows it, I know it. We just met when we were both wounded souls in search of something stable in our life. Since then, she’s my person and the other way around.

  
I finish my shower, put on my pajama and go to the living room where she’s pouring some hot tea. She always says that tea mends the soul, if you know how to spice it up, meaning adding alcohol. It does help me sleep better so I never argue.

  
“What did you put in it this time?” I ask pointing to the tea.

  
“Oh, my all time classic, chamomile and rum. The good stuff.”

  
“You sure know how to entice me.”

  
“If that’s what will take to make you talk…”

  
I take a seat on the sofa and carefully take my cup of tea and let the steam relax my face muscles and calm my breathing.

  
“It’s nothing, really. I was tired after the whole Solo thing. And you know I don’t like violence. Particularly not end my day with that.”

  
“Well, you could’ve fooled me when you showed your “disgust” for it.”

  
“It wasn’t like that, I mean I appreciated the way the fighters moved, just about when they started throwing punches.”

  
“Know what? I will let it pass for now. I can tell you’re not in the mood for anything. We’ll revert another time.”

  
“I’m ok, I swear.”

  
But I am not, and I don’t want her to worry about it. It’s not like she can do anything. If only she knew all the truth about me, she could. But maybe she wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. And that’s what scares me the most.

  
“Snap out of it, drink your tea and then to bed with us. I’m staying the night, in case you haven’t noticed.”

  
“Thank you.”

  
She accepts my lack of communication skills, this is us, we accept each other, no questions asked when we don’t want to answer.

  
The tea has the effect I needed, my eyelids grow heavy when I go to bed and have no clue at what point I fall asleep.

 

The morning comes quicker than I would’ve wished, but I am grateful I didn’t have any nightmares.

  
I’m drinking my coffee when my phone starts ringing. I deleted all the missed calls from the unknown number and closed the phone for the rest of the night. So now I’m scared whoever tried last night is ringing me again.

  
Rose finds me staring at my phone when she enters the kitchen.

  
“Oh, would you look at that. He’s calling you now?”

  
“What? Who?”

  
“Have a look for yourself.”

  
I look at the screen and without any doubt, Ben’s name is on it and he’s not giving up. It’s like I can see him with his phone in his hand and frowning because I’m not picking up.

  
“Well answer it already, The sound is driving me crazy.”

  
After giving her the bad eye, I press the damn green icon.

  
“What now?”

  
“Good morning to you too, Rey. Hmm, Rey of sunshine.”

  
“Ha ha. Oh, I’m sorry. Good morning to you too, person I really don’t want to see today.”

  
“Smooth talker that you are.”

  
“I’m famous for that.”

  
“Well somebody forgot to send me the memo about that.”

  
“What is it that I can help you with, mister Solo?”

  
“Hate to burst your bubble, princess, but we have to meet today.”

  
“Not interested.”

  
“Oh, I think you will be very interested.”

  
“Because…”

  
“We’re signing the rent papers, Rey. What did you think? That I’m inviting you to my home?”

  
“That’s the last thing I was thinking off.”

  
“The simple fact that you felt the need to point this out, makes me sure I am right.”

  
“Does it hurt sometimes?”

  
“What’s that? Being always right? You have no idea the burden I have to carry around.”

  
“No, I was referring to being such a jerk.”

  
“Ouch, somebody didn’t end her night well. Did nobody tuck you in?”

  
“None of your business.”

  
“That’s a definite no.I could say that I’m sorry, but I’m not.”

  
“Jerk.”

  
“You said that already. You’ll have to get creative with me, Rey. You know I get bored easy.”

  
“You know what’s boring? This conversation. I’m going to close the phone now. Text me the address and the time and I will be there.”

  
After ending the call, I’m about to throw away my phone, most probably in the sink, but Rose stops me.

  
“Hey hey, the phone did nothing wrong. And you should take care of the sexual tension between you and Solo. Things like this can make or break a relationship.”

  
“One: I am not attracted to him.”

  
“That’s a lie, but go on.”

  
“I’m not, And two, I am not interested in developing any kind of relationship with him.”

  
“Not even a professional one? You do know you have to work with him, don’t you?”

  
I hate it when she makes sense.

  
“Whatever.”

  
“I’m starting to worry about the lack of interest in men. Did I read you wrong? You playing for the other camp? Are you checking me out right now?”

  
“Uh, sometimes I think it would be easier do date you. You know what I like and what I want, and you don’t seem keen on driving me crazy.”

  
“As much as I’d like to agree, I’m into big things, big arms and big…”

  
“Yeah, I so understand. Well glad we settled this. And to end your misery, there hasn’t been any man lately to make me interested.”

  
“Yes, well, except Solo.”

  
“Rose!”

  
“Ok, ok, I’m off to work. See you later, babe.”

  
“Later!”

  
My phone beeps letting me know that I have a new message.

  
“Lunch at the office”

  
Jerk. How am I suppose to know when the have their lunch?

  
“The exact hour being?” I reply.

  
“12”

  
Was it that hard? This man will be the death of all my goodwill and my struggle to be nice.

  
By 12 I am in at Rebel’s reception, receiving my visitor badge and taken to Leia’s office. I can see that she’s not alone, besides Ben there’s also Alex, the gallery curator.

  
“Rey, come in. Have a sit here. Alex was going through the papers with Ben. It’s mostly the usual legal details we already know by now.”

  
“Thank you! And Alex, please except my apologies for the… hm… incident.”

  
“It’s ok, Leia and I discussed about it and we are fine.”

  
“That’s great to hear.”

  
“Rey, we wanted to detail a few logistic points related to the after party.”

  
They walk me through an impressive list of who would do what, who will join us. The after party will take place in another big room in the gallery. Although my paintings will be protected during the exhibition, they prefer to have the drinks, food and any animated conversations far away from them, to avoid any type of disaster.

  
Again I find that Ben is quiet and not at all rude, like he wants to please his mother and he tries hard to. Who knows for how long. He is so unpredictable.

  
We eat lunch together, seems like this sort of meeting can go on for hours. I ignore my phone so not to loose my focus, who wants to talk to me can wait. I’m building my future now, so I know what are my priorities.

  
Before I know it, it’s 6 o’clock and the sun is slowly setting. I can see everybody’s tired so Leia calls it a day and we each head to our homes, and life outside business.

  
I opt to walk home, it is a rather long walk but I like from time to time to clear my head by watching others on the streets. I’m no creeper, but you know, the artist in me is always in search of inspiration. I’m about to cross the street when a car stops in front of me. I know who’s driving, no surprise there, looks like nothing has changed since the last time we saw each other.

  
“Get in!”

  
“I’ll pas, but thanks for the offer.”

  
“I’m only going to ask once nicely.”

  
“That doesn’t change my mind.”

  
“I can do it the other way.”

  
“Here, in public? That sure doesn’t sound like something you’d do. I do remember you were keen on not expressing any feelings in public.”

  
“Rey!” I hear my name called form somewhere on my right.

  
Oh, he’s the cherry on top of my screwed up life right now.

  
“Everything ok here?” Ben asks me like he actually cares if I’m in danger.

  
“Yes, the gentleman here was asking me where the next exit for the highway is.”

  
“Thank you, miss! You were of great help. See you around.”

  
I bet he’d like that. That’s a sign that this is not the last time I’ll be seeing my mother’s evil spawn, a.k.a. my ex-fiancé. The last murderous look he threw my away stated clearly that we are not done.

  
“What are you doing?” I ask Ben who’s guiding me towards his car, parked a few feet from where we are.

  
“Taking you home or wherever you’re going.”

  
“Thank you, but I was just on my way.”

  
I’m trying to remove my hand from his hold, but he just won’t let me go.

 

“It’s getting dark and who knows what kind of strangers will stop you again.”

  
“I can take care of myself just fine.”

  
“Never said you can’t. But mother would kill me if something bad happened to you.”

  
So we’re doing this to please his mother. Can’t argue with this. I let him take me home, but avoid any small talk. Seeing Danny again messed up my thoughts and I can’t articulate any coherent words. First mother, now Danny… Ben doesn’t push it, so I guess there’s something wrong with him as well. Look at us, both a mess, I think…

  
“Is your friend at home?”

  
“Rose? Why? Are you afraid of her?”

  
“No, I just don’t like her.”

  
“Feeling’s mutual, by the way. And well you’re lucky, because you’re not going into my house, so you will not be seeing her in the near future.”

  
“You're not even trying to hide the fact that you don’t like me as well.”

  
“Why would I?”

  
“I don’t know, for the sake of being polite?”

  
“Because you are?”

  
“Not going to comment on that.”

  
“Thank you for taking me home safely. I will hint it to Leia next time I see her, that you were a true gentleman. That will win you some points for being a good boy.”

  
“Rey!”

  
And that is a warning, I know it from the way he said it, his voice so hard and menacing. I scramble out of his car and run to my door, like he’ll get out and chase me down. The things this man makes me do.  
Rose is nowhere to be found in the house, so I take it she’s back at her place. Time to relax a bit and call in early. I’m in need of good sleep after today’s meeting. I never imagined the amount of work behind putting together an exhibition. But no pain no gain, so I should stop complaining.

  
I’m in the kitchen, preparing myself a light dinner when my phone beeps. It has transformed from a channel of communication to a way to deliver bad news. Like my past barging into my present and soon affecting my future. It’s burning its presence on my kitchen table, signaling I’d better pick it up.

  
This is something I know I’ll regret in a few seconds, but I know I can’t postpone life, so I unlock it and read the text I just received.  
“Don’t think for a second that you can avoid us. Now that we found you, you have a lot of explaining to do. We know where you are and what you are. But do your friends know about you?"

  
Fuck my life. No, actually fuck my past.


	6. Listen up, because I’m going to say this only one time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a relaxing day off Rey would like to spend doing her favorite things... until Rose suggests they could spice it up. Spice it up they do alright. In who's warm hands will Rey end this time?

[](https://ibb.co/5G3qK2Y)   


I keep on replaying in my head the message I received and end up not managing to get any sleep the entire night. Nothing can ever be easy in my life. Even when I still had my parents around, every “privilege” came with a price. It was up to me to decide if I was willing to pay it and keep up with the rest of my so-called friends.

I fooled myself into thinking that I’d be just fine when I ran away. That I could avoid them forever and build from scrap who I am. It’s easier to lie, to live in denial, until the truth hits you straight in the face and gives you the rudest wakeup call ever.

  
I don’t want to involve my friends in this mess, not to mention what could happen to my professional life. It can go down the drain in a second if I’m not careful. So no more me going with the flow. I’ve learned since I was little how to calculate all my moves and how to control all my reactions, words. And I hated every minute of it. But now it’s time to do it again, with the cost of going back to the misery I always felt back then.

  
In order to have something good in your life, you have to sacrifice yourself in one way or another. Or you have to let go of somebody or something important for you.

 

I need my safe place, or well, one of my safe places, to regroup. As you might’ve noticed so far, I tend to hide away often, so I have different options where to do it. When I don’t have the inspiration to paint, I move to my next passion, books. There’s a big bookstore near my place, where I run whenever I need silence, whenever I want to contemplate on life, on me, on what’s next.

I put on a black hoodie, black skinny jeans and my single pair of black trainers and don’t question my choice of color. Somebody’s taste in fashion is rubbing of on me. This is odd, I never let myself influenced by other people’s choices, well at least not anymore. I used to do it, a lot, so much that I lost myself in the process and ended up not knowing what I liked anymore.

I ponder for a few seconds that black will not draw anybody’s attention on me, and hurry to the bookstore. It’s not quite one of those you see in movies, with infinite rows of shelves full of books, with people scattered all around deep into reading or studying. Nope, it’s average on size, I call it big because it is one of the biggest stores around here. During the day it’s almost empty, I don’t think we have that many students living in this area. You can find two-three people reading the headlines in the newspapers/ magazines area.

My favorite spot is almost empty and I’m glad I don’t have to share it with strangers for now. I take a sit in a big chair that resembles the Anne Jacobsen egg char I had back home, but I’m guessing this one didn’t cost that much. It brings some familiarity to me, one of the few I used to like, getting lost in all my books. This chair sits by the window, so I can follow the traffic outside, to be one bit in touch with the reality.

  
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, the smell of old books mixed with freshly printed magazines is what I love the most about this place. The combination between new and old, in perfect sync. I could effortlessly fall asleep here and dream about women and men saving the day, in fairytales with happy endings. You always wish for what you think you can’t have. Emphasis on “think”…

I grab a book from the shelf on my right, I like to pick random books and delve right into their hidden secrets and meanings. I touch its pages, they look pretty worn, but this doesn’t bother me at all, it tells me that it’s been read so many times, so many people lost their thoughts between these pages. I begin reading it and let myself carried away along with the main character and her changes in mood with all her internal struggles, that I am bewildered when I see three hours have passed.

I reach the bottle of water I put on the table beside me and knock a magazine that falls on the floor. I grab it with the intent of putting it back but stop to read the headline.

“He did it again. Infamous bachelor Ben Solo leaving his mistress’s building in the early hours of the morning looking completely spent.”

  
Really now? He had to make his presence felt even here. I throw the magazine under the table after looking at the photo of Ben shedding himself from paparazzi but looking very graceful while doing it. He looked like somebody devoured him. Gah, I do not want mental pictures of something like that. Why am I bothered? I shouldn’t, I don’t have time for drama like this in my life right now.  
And because he felt my “good” mood, Ben decided to call me right in this moment. Free will they call it and I embrace it to its fullest now, so I decide on not to answer him. And if it is an emergency, I’d know by now from Leia. I want a day free of the Solo tornado.

It’s almost lunch time when I call Rose to meet up at the bistro downstairs. It’s a cute bistro at the corner of a crowded street, that still manages to keep its intimate air even though it’s most of the time fully packed at lunch hour. The owner is familiar with me and Rose, she comes to great us whenever she has the time to. When we moved to this city, we were searching for a place to drink our coffee and have a good hot and tasty meal and found her sitting at one of her tables on the small deck in front of the bistro. She cooked us the best meal we had in months and she learned along the way what were our culinary tastes.

“Here they are, my favorite girls.”

“Hi Maz.” I say with a big smile on my face, she does that instantly, make you smile no matter how you feel.

  
“Give me a minute and I’ll bring your coffees.”

  
“Thank you!”

  
Rose looks so fresh, so I take it she had a goodnight sleep, versus my under eye bags. And she sees them in an instant.

  
“What happened to you?”

  
“What do you mean?”

  
“You look like you kept your eyes open all night.”

  
“I’m worried about the exhibition, there’s so many details I have to take into consideration.”

  
“That’s why you have a team that’s helping you. Let them worry and get some damn sleep. I might suggest an afternoon nap. You’ll need it for tonight.”

  
“Oh, really? What exactly is happening tonight, Rose? What do you have planned?”

  
“First of all, promise me you will listen to me until I finish and you will not say no from the start.”

  
“OK, go on.”

  
“Now hear me out, I know it’s not your thing, but we’d really love for you to join us.”

  
“We? That makes you and…?”

  
“Me and Poe.”

  
“Do not tell me that you’re going there again?”

  
“Yes and...”

  
“No.”

  
“Rey, you promised.”

  
“Fine fine. Tell me more amazing details about our night out. I would love to hear them all.”

  
“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you all the time, you know.”

  
“Beg to differ.”

  
“Anyway, so Poe got invited again, but this time he asked for a more private table. He knows you weren’t comfortable with being that close to the ring.”

  
“Oh, so thoughtful of him.”

  
“Yes, well, he’d like us to enjoy it together, all of us. No more being alone this time for you.”

  
“I was at the bathroom, where I went because I wanted to. You didn’t leave me.”

  
“I’ll go with you this time.”

  
“Remind me again, why are we doing this?”

  
“To have fun. Plus free drinks.”

  
“The last part I do like, I must admit.”

  
“So it’s settled then, we’re going. Yesss! Poe will be thrilled.”

  
“I’m sure. And I am sarcastic right now, in case you were wondering.”

  
“Oh come on, he likes your presence.”

  
“If you say so.”

  
“Anyway, we have to be ready in approximately 7 hours. How abut we catch a movie and then we prepare for the big night?”

  
“Sounds like a plan."

It appears going to the movies in the afternoon isn’t only our idea of fun. The teenage couple two rows below us is actively participating to the movie. And when I’m saying that, what I actually mean is that they are actively kissing and groping or maybe probing each other, I’m glad I can’t see very well in the dark. I’m praying that the movie will be a loud one, because right now I can hear everything they’re doing, like they’re in my ear.

“Here, have some popcorn. That will make them fade away.”

“Uh, I don’t think so. Will it make me deaf and blind?”

“You funny one. No, but it will crunch between your teeth and make you happy. They really taste good, all that butter…”

“Give me all. I just can’t take that anymore.”

And trust me, I do try to blur whatever they are doing and hoping they will at least keep their clothes on. The movie isn’t what I wanted or needed, some action, some blood. Hell no, it’s mostly the story of a writer. The action is flat, we run out of popcorn mid movie and I offer to go and refill. Error in my judgement to offer that, because I get to see, on my way to the exit, from different points of view what those two are doing. I almost gag, but keep going, I need more popcorn right now.

“My God, what was wrong with us when we picked this movie?” Rose adds while checking her phone in case she missed any calls or messages from her boss, who’s kind of high maintenance.

“Not sure what pushed us to do it. We’re getting old, I tell you. We were teenagers at some point and now we can’t stand them making out in our proximity.”

  
“Shush. We’re not getting old, we just didn’t experience that when we were their age, so we can’t understand. Back than we were fighting to survive, not to find love.”

  
She has no idea…

  
“Sad but true. But we did pick a movie for retired people that have nothing to do during the day. This builds up on my theory.”

  
“You did not just say that.”

  
“Come on, let’s just go home and take that nap you promised, to recharge. We don’t want to fall asleep when we go to the fight tonight, now do we?”

  
“Yeah, like the two grandmas that we are.”

  
“Let’s go, pumpkin pie.”

Needles to say, we don’t get to take that promised sweet nap I sort of craved for. We lose ourselves in the process of getting ready, like we always do. It’s something that we like to do together, it’s another way of taking care of ourselves and getting ready for whatever life has in store for us. It’s one of our defense mechanisms, when we don’t get a break from life. You guessed it, we do this frequently.

I end up dressed like I’m undercover, which I kind of am. Another encounter with mother or Danny would not make me happy… At all. I opt for a hat, you read well, a hat, that’s covering half of my face and goes hand in hand with my black jumpsuit and my black peep toes. Who would’ve guessed, black again. Well’ I’d love to better feel overdressed than the other way around.

Our table is just as Rose said, far away from the boxing ring, more secluded from specific curious eyes. I know they will be here, it wasn’t a mere coincidence that mother was here last time. I decide to keep my guard up, better be a little paranoid than have another surprise. But nonetheless, enjoy the night and have some drinks with Rose and Poe. The latter looks sort of pleased that I could join them tonight, a rather radical change versus his panicked look the first time.

“Ladies, drinks and let’s say, a bet tonight?”

“Yesss! Come on, Rey, you promised that you’ll do it.”

“If I remember correctly…”

  
“None of that mumbo jumbo ‘facts are facts and I have the perfect memory’ stuff. Let’s just have fun. So, Poe, that’s a definite yes.”

  
“OK, we’re doing this, but I will choose who we put our bet on.”

  
“Oh, sassy Rey is out to play. You go girl.”

  
Poe hands me the tablet while watching our banter and Rose’s eyes are glowing like I’m about to give her a present or something. What is wrong with these two? I concentrate on looking at the fighters’ profiles, theirs scores since they started fighting and because I’m not a fan of losing money, I place a bet on the fighter who looks like he never lost a fight.

  
“Oh my, how’d you decide that quick?” Rose looks out of breath.

  
“While I’d love to fascinate you with algorithms that help me calculate probabilities and such, I’m going to spare your time and go with: he had the biggest scores and he always wins. I want to win with him tonight and I’m not in the mood to support some underdog of the game. At least not today.”

  
“Good thinking. Well, good luck, ladies. I have some business to take care of, but I will be back.”

And just like that and the same as last time, Poe disappears. Not going to question that, not my business.

I’m slightly dizzy when the fight starts, I enjoy too much mixing cocktails when I’m out with Rose, but you know, no regrets. Now I’m more involved in the fight because I am competitive at heart and I’d like to win and meet the man who enjoys beating up people with a large audience. So I drink a glass of water to get rid of the dizziness and focus solely on the boxing ring.

  
Remember when I said nothing comes easy in life for me? My first time placing a bet and this fight doesn’t seem to end, goes on and on, and my fighter, yes, mine, looks like he’s about to give up. Come on! Come on! You haven’t lost any fight, don’t start now with my bet.

  
And it’s like he can hear me and gives a piece of art of a punch to his adversary and finishes the fight. The crowd is cheering like they just won the lottery. I’m glad I am not the only one who’s been so into this.  
“That was a hell of a fight! Never seen him dragging it for so long. He could’ve tricked me for a minute into thinking that Rey will lose her money.”

  
“Shut up, Poe! I won. When do we get to meet him?”

  
“Eager to see him up close, are we?”

  
“But of course, I’d like to claim my prize.”

  
“Come on, let’s go. Rose, that includes you.”

  
“Nuh uh, I’ll wait here for you guys.”

  
“I’m not going without you.” I set my eyes on Rose.

  
“Fine, let’s go.” And she stumbles on Poe’s foot looking like she did it on purpose.

  
“Ok, guys, once we’re done here, you’re going to have to explain what’s going on between you two."

  
“Nothing.” They say in the same time.

  
“You see? That , right there, you answering in the same time with the same word, is telling me there’s a story behind it that I’m not aware of. Now, take me to meet the man of the hour.”

Poe leads the way through a maze of hallways which are not dark, just like I want them to, I’m still watching out for any out of the ordinary presence.

“Well here we are. Now, before you go in, Rey, keep in mind that he’s pretty beaten up and he might not be that friendly.”

“I’m not expecting him to be flower power, obviously. Open the door, Poe. I’m a big girl.”

“Rey,” Rose gives me a jolt and stops me before going after Poe.

  
“What is it? Are you feeling ok?”

  
“Yeah, that’s not it. Please remember that we’re friends and that I care about you, ok?”

  
“That’s not weird at all. You’re kind of scaring me right now.”

  
“Please, just don’t forget.”

  
“Ok, ok, I won’t. Let’s just get this over with.”

And then Poe opens the door and let’s me step in.

  
I could lie and tell you that there are a few things in life that can render me speechless and that I’m almost a robot when it comes to feelings and how to express them, just like my parents wanted me to be. I lie to myself like this all the time, it’s just easier. But deep down I know it’s not true and that I stupidly experience each moment more fiercely than the average human. I don’t forget gestures, the way sometimes people talk to me, the tone of the voice they’re using, their body language.

  
Which brings me back to this moment…

  
The image I see when the door is wide open makes my body forget how to move. So I find myself blocked in the entry way, looking at a hunched over the sink Ben, who’s trying to wash the blood from his face. He has no clue that I’m here, so I take more time to register what’s going on. He’s a constant fighter in this place, I placed a bet on him and he’s now injured. That about sums it up.

  
What would you do if you were me? I’m between running and helping him clean his wounds or yelling at him. But I’m no robot… so…

  
“Let me help you with that.” My body suddenly reacts like I need it to now, and I’m in a second near him, my hand on his, and looking closer if he needs to see a doctor.

  
He jumps like I hit him when he hears my first words and feels my touch. He doesn’t even spare me a look when he addresses Poe next.

  
“Why did you bring her here, Poe? Rose kept her mouth shut. I was expecting the same treatment and more from your side.”

His voice… well, makes me not want to keep MY mouth shut.

“What the hell, Rose? How did you know about this? Whatever the hell this is. Will somebody explain it to me?”

  
Rose just stands there, looks at me and doesn’t say anything. Now I know why she wanted me to remember that we’re friends.

Ben grabs my hand and turns me so that we’re face to face. I flinch when I see his bottom lip split and blood sipping down his chin.

“Listen up, because I’m going to say this only one time. One: keep your voice down, we do not want to draw any kind of attention. Two: this is NOT about you, so stop talking and acting like it is. Three: I will explain this to you when I want and on my own terms. Got that?”

  
And then he let’s me go and looks at Poe.

  
“Get her out of here before they arrive.”

  
“Who’s they?” I move my lips, forever the rebel that I am.

  
“Rey, let’s go.” Poe holds the open door now.

  
“I’m out of here, but not because you want this.” And I point my finger to Ben. “But because I don’t like to be told what to do and I answer to nobody. Oh, and I don’t like secrets.”

And I breeze out the door, past a frozen Rose and Poe, and trying to remember which way to go towards the exit. I advance pretty fast, moving past a lot of closed doors. This place either is a hotel or an office, or a combination between them. I do not want to think about other options.

I stop in my track when a door opens on my left and out goes… you know, Danny, of course. God, I hope he will not see me. I turn my back to him and start walking, almost running, quickly analyzing the maze I’m in and how I can find another way out.

  
“Stop right there!”

  
Damn it all to hell. I start running, although I know I don’t stand a chance. He’s an athlete, always prepared to chase or to kill, or both. But I like to think that at least I tried.

  
Eventually he catches me and presses my face against a nearby wall.

  
“Did ya really think I’ll let you go this time?”

  
“You did last time.”

  
“That was an exception I plan on not making again. You know I like to chase my prey.”

  
“Let me go, Danny.”

  
“No. And I think it’s time to have that talk. Although having you in this position gives me other ideas on how to spend my time right now.”

  
“You’re a bastard.”

  
“And I remember you loved every minute of it.”

  
“I thought I did, not anymore.”

  
“Don’t lie to me.”

  
“Like you never did lie to me?”

  
“Let her go, Danny. She knows when to be a good girl and listen to her mother.”

  
“Pff, big words for such a small human.” The words I’d like to say to my mother…

  
“Ever the cleaver one, my little princess.” Says Danny, just to piss me off more.

  
“Don’t call me that.”

  
“Enough, Danny. Escort her to my office. I’d like to know what on earth was she doing in the same room with my fighter.”

  
My heart stops and my lungs constrict.

  
“Your what?”

  
“My fighter, Ben Solo.”


	7. You have no right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past overlaying with the present... Rey's situation in a nutshell and there's more to it than she knows. It's time to find out and on the way to do it, maybe annoy Ben or testing his toughness.

[](https://ibb.co/GsK2GXh)   


“How do you know Ben?”

  
“What does it matter to you, Rey? You said you’re not interested in what I have to say. I’d include this in things I could say.”

  
“Always twisting my words in your favor. Looks like nothing changed here.” And I look at her and Danny, to make sure they completely understand what I’m talking about.

  
“Why would it? It always turned out how we wanted to. Enough reminiscing the past, you had your chance and you declined it. I am considering this subject closed from this point on. I do am interested to find out why you are back although I clearly told you not to come back here again. And most of all, what’s your relationship with Ben Solo?”

  
“And I’d watch out how many lies I’d say next. You know we have special ways to find out the truth.” Danny gives me his charming smile, the one that he uses when he wants to obtain something… anything…

  
“So cocky. You forget that I’m no longer the Rey you used to know.”

  
“I like to think that I am unforgettable.”

  
“You make me sick.”

  
“Hate to break your lover’s quarrel, but do go ahead and answer my question.”

  
“I have nothing to say that you can’t put your goons to find out.”

  
“I’d like to hear all the details from your mouth.”

  
“Not going to happen. You have no business mingling in my life.”

  
“Hm, so you admit Ben Solo is part of your life.”

  
“I didn’t…”

  
“Spare me the cheap excuses. What is he to you?”

  
And this time I choose not to say anything. I know how silence can drive them crazy. In a sick twisted way, I want to make them angry, just like they made me so many times in the past.

  
“Rey, do you really want to test my limits today?”

  
“Didn’t I use to do that all the time? I thought you missed that about me.” I put on a smile she always made me keep plastered on my face whenever we were out in public. Of course it was all fake.

  
“Cut that out. Right now.”

  
“Can you feel it? Seeping through your bones slowly and you can’t do anything to stop it?”

  
“What are you talking about?”

  
“The fact that you can’t do whatever the hell you desire with me. While this was enlightening, I have other things to do. And seeing that you have no intention of giving me any answers, I wish you a good life, mother, one you deserve.”

  
“Keep telling yourself that, if it helps you sleep at night.”

  
“Keep telling myself what exactly?”

  
“That I don’t have any power over you.”

  
“Goodbye, mother.” I don’t even bother looking in Danny’s direction.

  
“No, Rey, it’s ‘until next time’.”

  
“Yeah, I wouldn’t count on that.”

  
Showing that they do not affect me anymore, I open the door with a steady hand and enter one of the hallways with the clear intention to get the hack out of here. In spite of the fact that I would’ve loved to yell at my mother and tell her everything that she made me go through when I was still under her dominance, and how free I am now. Until she will find me again.

  
I am almost out the door when Ben jumps in front of me. He is again in my face, again putting himself in my way.

  
“Not so fast.”

  
“What is it now? You had your show earlier. I heard enough or maybe nothing at all, I even respected your wish and got out of your room. Well I sort of respected your wish, I was not in the mood to be in the same room with people I don’t trust.”

  
He’s not bleeding anymore, his face is swollen though and I’m certain tomorrow he’ll have some nasty bruises. I stop my peruse and focus on his lips. That cut is still there and if he opens his mouth more, it will open again.

  
“Rey. Don’t look at me like that.”

  
“Like what, Ben? Like I’m sorry that you are physically hurt? You know, that it makes me a human being and that it scares you?”

  
“No, I meant like you’d love a taste.”

  
I rub my temples like I have a bad headache ready to take over, exhale and look him straight into his eyes.

  
“You’re delusional. What else do you want from me?”

  
He gets closer to me, crowding me so that if anybody would pass us by, they would think we’re lovers having a very private moment. He bents his head, and I am starting to think this is his signature move, and I can feel his lips near my ear. I can tell he had a shower, he smells like musk and man and I need to stop breathing and think of all the bad things in the world or anything that can make me puke.

  
“If my mother finds out about anything related to this place and what I’m doing here, it will be very bad for you.”

  
“You mean very bad for you.”

  
The thing about people that don’t have too much in their life… You have to fear them the most. They are not afraid even of death, they are always ready to embrace it. Because they know that they won’t be hurting a lot of people once they’re gone.

  
I grab Ben by his shirt so that I can reach his ear, but I am extra careful to touch his jawline with my lips on my way and whisper to him:

  
“I despise it so much when people try to control me Now, say that again, but you can start with ‘please’. I might reconsider my decision.”

  
“You love to play with fire.”

  
“I am the fire and I’m the only one that can stop before you burn yourself.”

  
“Big words for a little girl.”

  
“I’m a woman, don’t forget that. And please don’t tempt me to show you how bad I can burn myself into your skin.”

  
“If I wouldn’t have known you better, I’d say you’re throwing innuendos my way.”

  
“That’s the thing, you don’t know me at all.”

  
And I let go of his shirt because his skin is making mine way too hot and itchy. I push him out of the way and call for a cab to take me home once and for all. I had it with everybody and their ways of messing up with my life. I don’t call Rose, I’m still pissed at her, she’ll let me cool off if she’s as smart as I know.

  
I don’t turn on my lights when I get home, it’s like I want to think that it was all a bad dream and in the morning it will all just be fine. Like I rarely do, I fall asleep without changing into my pajamas, with my makeup still on and on top of the comforter.

  
That’s the cool thing about living alone, nobody can bug you to be disciplined all the time. The fact that makeup is a bitch to remove in the morning is not something I love though.

  
I’m on my way to the living room, feeling fresh after my morning run followed by a hot and rewarding shower, when I hear a knock at my door. If it’s Rose, my day will not have a good start, because sleeping on it never works for me, so I am still mad.

  
Thank God it’s not Rose, but it’s Leia. What if she found out about last night and now she’s here to terminate our contract after she makes me spill my side of the story? Dread creeps into my skin, I am the only one to blame for getting involved in this shit.

  
I open the door and invite her in. The first thing I notice is that she’s not in a bad mood, but maybe she knows how to keep it together.

  
“Good morning, Rey. I hope I am not intruding. I had an idea and wanted to run it by you in person, if you don’t mind.

  
“No, please, let’s go sit. Can I get you something to drink?”

  
“No, thank you. I already had my wake me up cup of coffee. It will lose its effect a little later.”

  
We take a sit on the couch in the living room and I am counting the seconds until my career ends before it even had a chance to start.

  
“So you know that there are a lot of things to handle before the exhibition, and so far, we focused mainly on the logistics part of the event. I was thinking that maybe today we can have a look at the paintings live. I’d really love to see them, if you are ok with this.”

  
“Yes, I don’t see why not. We can go to my paint shop and we can have the selection.”

  
“That would be great.”

  
“Let me get my keys and we can go.”

  
That was a close call and I am more than happy to show her my paintings and avoid any Ben topic from now on.

  
Poe is joining us, he was waiting for us in the car it seems. He says a shy “hi” to me, I return it without looking at him. I don’t know if he is here to spy on me and make sure that I keep my mouth shut or just because Leia needed his help. Either way, I shall keep my distance, there is no need to be friends, not today.

  
Once we reach my paint shop and I let them in, I can see how Leia is taking it all in.

  
“Rey, this is a gem that you have right here. Are you sure we should limit the exhibition to only 25 paintings?”

  
“Leia, I think that’s enough for a newcomer. And most of the paintings here I did when I felt the need to pour my soul on paper.”

  
“Honey, you’re way too humble for the talent you have. We’ll revisit this in the future. Poe, do you have the list of paintings?”

  
“Yes, here you go.” And he hands a manila envelope to Leia, while looking around. I’m certain he’s taking mental pictures to report them back to Ben.

  
“Thank you! Ok, dear, walk me through the list, so I can meet all of the paintings.”

  
I can see Leia getting excited while I explain the main idea for each of the paintings and let her get close to them. She mentions that I have to sign all of them, that’s a must for a future artist like me. It never crossed my mind to do it, I just painted each and every one of them until I had nothing left to express in those moments.

  
“And what do you have hidden there? If you don’t mind me asking.”

  
They are both looking at the last painting I did that is now covered in a black cloth.

  
“Oh, just something I did a few days ago.”

  
“Can we see it?”

  
Even Poe has his full attention now focused on it. Damn it, what if they figure out who was the muse for it?

  
“It’s nothing, really.”

  
“Rey, all of your paintings mean something. Come on, don’t be shy now.”

  
“Ok, here it goes.”

  
And I reveal it to them. And then there’s a lot of silence. I can see them looking at it in a very intense way, but I’m not sure if they want to burn it or adore it.

  
Leia covers her mouth with her hand like she wants to refrain herself from saying something. Then she looks at it in silence for a bit more.

  
“Is everything ok?” I cannot not ask them, this is too awkward.

  
“I’m sorry, Rey. I just needed time to absorb its beauty. It’s so familiar to me.”

  
You have no idea how familiar it is.

  
“I love it. Even though it’s dark, I can’t seem to take my eyes off of it. Why isn’t this on the list?”

  
“It’s a new painting, I didn’t think there was a need to add it to the exhibition.”

  
“Nonsense, this will be the center piece. So raw, dark, intoxicating. It will make people stare at it for hours and fight to have it in their houses.”

  
Damn it, same thing that Rose said. But do I really want to share this with the world? This one feels more personal than the rest. Who am I kidding? I do not want Ben to see it and grow a second head once he figures out he’s the one who inspired it. I’ll deny it, that should do it.

  
“Ok, Leia. Fine.”

  
“Perfect. Poe, write it down and take a photo of it for the portfolio.”

  
Great, a photo. He wouldn’t be that stupid to send it to Ben, now would he? I’ll take my chances, not like I can stop him now.

  
“We are done for the day. Poe will go back to the office to refresh the portfolio and send the new version to Alex. I think he will be thrilled about the new addition.”

  
“I hope so.”

  
“I don’t have any doubt. Now, if you don’t have any other plans, I’d like for us to recharge on some coffee or tea. What do you say?”

  
“Sounds perfect. I know just the place for that.”

  
Of course I give Poe the instructions to drop us at Maz’s. I have a feeling Leia and her will get along just fine.

  
And I am on point with me gut feeling. Leia and Maz exchange pleasantries, warm and genuine ones. Leia goes as far as inviting Maz to have her break with us. Maz promises that when she gets the time to, she’ll come back to our table. Somehow this makes me feel good, two people in my life are getting along with no ulterior motive, no bad blood or any kind of competitiveness between them.

  
Once we’re alone, Leia stares down her coffee looking lost in thoughts. Who knows what Ben did this time. Oh, right, I am the one that knows.

  
“If I ask you something, will you be honest with me, Rey?”

  
If she’s going to ask me about last night, I might die. We’ve done so good so far.

  
“I hope so.”

  
“I’ll take that as a positive answer. Was your painting inspired by my son?”

  
I wasn’t expecting this. She is his mother after all, she knows him better than anyone. Of course she found her son between my black lines.

  
“Will it change anything, the answer I will give you?”

  
“Only the fact that I’m going to share with you some private details and maybe a piece of advice.”

  
“I think you already know by now the answer to that question.”

  
I’d rather not say it out loud, it’s like giving Ben satisfaction and after all that happened, I refuse to.

  
“I figured that much. Listen, Ben being my son, I will always be subjective about anything related to him. But that doesn’t mean that this will cloud my judgement and I will not say the truth when it gets down to it.”

  
“I can understand that but there is no need to talk about him.”

  
“It’s not a burden to do it, so it’s fine. I’m not sure what’s going on between you and him. I’ve noticed you look like you’re at war and not as allies, but then again Ben has always been impulsive and with no filter when talking. You see, Ben grew up most of his life without his father. Han and I, that’s a long story for another time, you just have to understand that we get along but we are not on the same page with a lot of things. So when things got tough, Han went on long business trips. What am I saying, he’s on one of those as we speak. So Ben thought that he had to take over as the man of the house since he was a little boy. I never asked him or expected him to do it and I tried as much as possible to raise him and protect him from my relationship with his father. He’s a smart man and he figured it out by himself that we were not a family like all his friends had. That made him become tougher, raw, impulsive, protective of me, but in the same time he blamed me for our situation. He’s attitude towards me is the result of our past.”

  
“I’m sorry you had to live such moments, both of you.”

  
“It’s ok, you learn to adapt along the way. The reason I am telling you this is that you have to be patient with him. I’ve never seen him affected like this by any woman. You make my son react and this is very rare.”

  
“Oh, Leia, no offense, but we are just partners from a professional point of view. Yes, he is something else and we’re on each other’s nerves, but I don’t think it’s the case to talk about something with a deeper meaning. If I dare say, Ben hates me because I answer back at him.”

  
“You two are like teenagers ignoring your attraction. But please do not misinterpret our discussion, I am not forcing my son upon you. I’m just telling you what I’ve noticed so far from the outside. And gave you a bit of our family history so that you can understand him better. He’s a good man, he just keeps his heart guarded as he doesn’t like to start caring about people and then lose them.”

  
“Thank you about this. I really appreciate it and I know it’s not easy to open up about subjects that hurt.”

  
“Indeed, it’s not, but I get the impression that you understand how it is. I’m here whenever you need to talk, Rey.”

  
And she touches my hand like a mother would, I guess. I wouldn’t know how that feels, never had any gesture from my mother. Speaking of which, she’s heading our way right now. What the hell?

  
I notice the exact moment Leia sees her, she instantly changes her expression, like they know each other but not in a friendly way. That couldn’t be though, I’d remember Leia from the past.

  
My mother looks at me for a second than gives Leia a short nod. I don’t know how to react. How does my mother know where I am? Her showing up here can’t be a coincidence. And she never ever buys her own coffee. Did she put people to follow me? Not again, not this.

  
“Rey, what’s wrong?”

  
“Oh, nothing. I remembered I have something to do. Are you ok?”

  
“Don’t mind me, I’ll be fine. Just keep in mind I’m a phone call away any hour of the day, and not only for business questions.

  
“Thank you, Leia. I promise I will not hesitate to call you.”

  
We enjoy the rest of our coffee doing small talk with Maz. Leia and her seem to have grown up in the same village so this gives me time to be just an observer to their talk and let my mind wonder a bit into the earlier scene. But before I manage to delve into more details, assumptions, Ben appears out of the blue and takes the empty sit near me.

  
“Oh, hi dear. Rey, I asked Ben to drive us back, hope you don’t mind.”

  
She did it on purpose, to see us interact more. She’s funny in a way, she really thinks there’s something going on between me and her son. If by “we’re trying not to kill each other” you understand that there’s something going on, then yes, there is.

  
Ben takes a sip from MY coffee, but I don’t even flinch, he presses his thigh to mine, kind of like trying to corner me and signal to keep my mouth shut. And all I can think about is how his thigh perfectly molds to mine and I can sense when his muscles flex underneath his pants. Couldn’t he have been unattractive? That would’ve been so much easier. Have to remind myself that I’m mad at him and focus on the matter at hand, to annoy the hell out of him.

  
“So, Leia, are you interested in any sports that involve mild violence?”

  
Ben jolts and dives his hand under the table, squeezing my thigh. Damn those strong arms of his. Which he used to hit somebody, Rey, don’t forget.

  
“No, dear. I’m more of a tennis fan, patience and tactics and all.”

  
“If you ever change your mind, I know about some exclusive events where you could see something different. Isn’t that right, Ben? You’re going out every night, for sure you know what I’m talking about.”  
He brings his hand further up my thigh and squeezes harder. That is warning number three and I know I must be in trouble.

  
“No, Rey, I have no idea what you are talking about. And I don’t think my mother would like to know details about my nights out.”

  
“I can confirm, what I don’t know can’t hurt me. We can go whenever you want, Ben.”

  
He drops Leia first, even though I live closer, but I know Ben is not done with me. I feel giddy, I made him mad, just like I am. That is perfect.

  
Once Leia close the door and Ben speeds up down the street, there’s a sudden change in his mood, I can actually see his veins almost popping, so I do the next best thing and laugh. It gets out in the shape of a giggle more, but sexier, I like to think.

  
He pulls over in the parking lot of a park. There’s no other car, just us.

  
“Get out.”

  
“What? But you know I don’t live here.”

  
“Get the hell out, Rey, Or I’ll drag you out myself.”

  
He gets out of the car and I follow for the sake of seeing what his next move is. It starts raining, just like in a cheesy chick flick. We can now do the “Notebook” scene. I wonder what Ben would say if I shared my thoughts with him. And I giggle one more time thinking about his reaction.

  
“Stop that.”

  
He freaking scared me with his hard voice, damn it.

  
“What? You don’t like my mood?”

  
He has his back turned to me so I can’t see his face, but his voice tells me all about his current state of mind.

  
“You have no right to play me like that in front of my mother.”

  
The nerve on this guy.

  
“Why is that? I have the freedom to say whatever the hell is on my mind.”

  
He turns to me and eats the distance between us in two long strides. None of us seems to mind the rain pouring down our clothes, fighting to touch our skin. He finds himself in my face all over again.

  
“I thought you understood my reasoning to keep this a secret.”

  
There was no such thing concluded.

  
“Hmm, this is becoming a habit of yours.”

  
“Me trying to put some sense into that thick head of yours?”

  
“You taking up all my personal space and not giving a damn if I mind or not. Do you like it, Ben? Do you enjoy being this close to my body?”

  
Confusing your opponent can always work in your favor.

  
“Oh, Rey, you think I’m attracted to you?”


	8. Stranger danger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting, wishing, hoping  
> Your patience got me going crazy  
> You're there, I'm here, come near  
> Distance got me going crazy  
> Boy you kept me waiting  
> You know what I'm waiting for...

[](https://ibb.co/9p9LBB1)

 

„Mmm, I don’t think. I know.”

 

„You’re avoiding my question.’

 

 „And you’re avoiding MY questions. So we’re even.”

 

„Not by a long shot. Tell me, Rey, do you like it rough or slow? Or a little bit of both?”

 

Can you believe that I actually take a few seconds to consider my sexual preferences? Damn him. Ok, Rey, put on that perfect poker face you excel at and show him that he doesn’t affect you in any way.

 

„What about you, Ben? Do you like it fast or slow?”

 

„Would you like to find out? I’m more than ready to give you a taste.”

 

„No, thanks. Not interested.”

 

„Tell that to your body, that’s reacting just like I want it to.”

 

I exhale and try to get rid of this sensation clouding my mind.

 

„I’m going to ask you again: what do you want from me?”

 

„Aren’t you afraid of my answer?”

 

„Why would I be?”

 

„Care to find out?”

 

„Stop it, Ben. I am tired of your double meanings. What do you want?”

 

„Fine, have it your way. I want you to promise you will not tell my mother about my fights.”

 

„What’s in it for me?”

 

„So it’s going to be like that. Let’s see, I’ll stop being rude to you in public.”

 

„That easy?”

 

Something’s fishy here. He’s rude to everybody that dares to talk to him, it’s just the way he is. Why make an exception for me? Even for his dark secret, that’s a lot of being nice to me.

 

„That easy. Do we have a deal?”

 

„What? Now you’d like to seal it with a kiss?”

 

„Yeah, sure, why not?”

 

Oh silly Ben, this is a dare I cannot ignore. In one swift move I’m on my toes and a second away from his lips.

He’s chest is moving fast, his eyes have turned the darkest dark I’ve ever seen and I know that he wants this just as I do.

Come on, Ben, meet me half way.

 

We just stand there in the rain, now past soaking wet, staring into each other’s eyes, waiting for the other to move closer and take the final step. I can almost feel his plump lips on mine, I want them there with no shame. He closes his eyes so I do the same and wait for the inevitable... that never comes. I can sense cold rain drops on my burning lips instead. Opening my eyes, I see him going back to the car. What went wrong? Did I misread him?

 

„Are you coming?"

 

Not like this, I won’t. Without any word, I get in his car and put my seat belt on. He knows where I live, so there are no words spoken until we get to my home.

I take a few seconds to gather the courage to talk once he stops the car. The earlier episode made me reconsider anything I’m expressing around Ben.

 

„Would you like to come in? I can help with drying your shirt.”

 

I don’t mention his pants so he doesn’t get the wrong idea.

He’s not even looking at me, I’m now sorry I’ve asked. I sure like to bungee jump my feelings a lot.

After a few seconds of him gripping the steering wheel, he turns to me and searches my face for traces of sarcasm, I guess.

 

„If you don’t mind, that would help. I think me wound dressing has detached from its place.”

 

„Oh my God, Ben. And you said nothing? Are you in pain?”

 

I understand the whole being alpha thing and showing that you’re strong no matter what, but nobody’s asking to bleed and hurt just because.

 

„Nothing I can’t handle.”

 

As I was saying...

 

„I’m not even going to... You can park the car here. Let’s get inside so that I can fix it.”

 

We get in and I take him to my bathroom. He looks like he’s in pain alright, stupid man. I mean we don’t like each other but that doesn’t translate into me enjoying his pain like this.

 

„You can sit on the edge of the bathtub. Take your shirt off.”

 

That last sentence makes him look at me in a very devilish way. You never know what’s next with this man. I kind of like this...

 

„You want me naked, Rey? Brought me here to take advantage of my frail body?”

 

„Yeah, that’s exactly what I plan on doing. After you’re no longer bleeding on my bathroom floor. Take the shirt off.”

 

He knows he has the body of a god and he takes his time to show it to me in slow motion. First I see those muscles that form that magic V that goes further down in his pants. Then in all their beauty, his abs. I’m between wanting to lick them or trace my nails over them and then lick them. I decide to turn around until he’s done, I’m not comfortable with this type of torture.

 

„Don’t shy on me now. You asked and I delivered.”

 

„I don’t recall asking you to give me a short striptease act.”

 

„That’s what you think I was doing? Come on, Rey, I was just taking my shirt off as you asked, two times in a row I might add. How long has it been since you last saw a man without a shirt, huh?”

 

I take the shirt from his hands without giving him any answers and hurrying to my washing machine. He cornered me pretty good this time. I hate it when I have no smart comeback. I let the washing do its job, take my first aid kit and go back to Ben.

I find him trying to reach his back and looking in the mirror for the damage. I gasp when I get to see all of his back. He has bruises, a lot of them, and a bleeding wound on his left shoulder blade.

 

„Don’t just stand there. It won’t take my pain away or make this any better if you faint on me.”

 

„I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was this bad.”

 

„Don’t hold back, give me all your optimism.”

 

He manages to be sarcastic even in moments like this.

 

„Ok, ok, turn your back to me. Let me know when it hurts.”

 

He’s a tall man, so reaching his shoulder blade is impossible without any help. I bring a small chair, climb on it and get to work. I take my time cleaning the wound and at some point he shudders and finds one of my legs and clamps to it. So we’re not expressing ourselves through words, I assume. I am aware that the whole clean-up process hurts like a bitch, so I try to make it bearable and blow some hot air on the wound. His skin breaks into goose bumps and he loosens his hold on my leg, starting to caress it. How can I focus when he’s doing that? He makes me dizzy when he moves his hand further up my leg and pulls me closer to him.

If he doesn’t stop I’ll let him bleed while I’ll be lost in my dirty thoughts, for the love of all that is holly. I succeed in getting the dressing on the wound and secure it so that it won’t rip in the near future.

 

„We’re done here.”

 

I attempt to get down from the chair, but he’s faster and stops me, he’s fully turned to me now.

 

„I don’t think so.”

 

Have I missed other wounds?

 

„Are you still in pain? I can have another look and check if I missed anything.”

 

His eyes are hooded, maybe he’s still in pain...

„I’m not in the pain you’re thinking about.”

 

Oh... OH!

 

„I don’t...”

 

„You don’t what? Know how to make that pain go away? Don’t worry, I can teach you several ways on how to do it.”

 

He puts his hands on my waist, leaving me no choice but to put my hands on his biceps for balance.

 

„What are you doing, Ben?”

 

Looking him in the eyes was such a wrong move. He’s so intense that I’m not sure that I can resist him.  But I know that I should, for everybody’s sake.

 

„What we both want.”

 

He moves his hands from my waist down my legs and raises me so that I’m hugging him with my hips. The contact of my naked legs with his hot torso is enough to make me roll my eyes and almost let out a moan. Such a bad idea to wear a dress today.

He sets me on the skin and cages me with his hands, putting them on the sink near my legs. He closes his eyes and clenches his jaw.

 

„Don’t move.”

 

„Why?” It comes out as a whisper. I want to touch him, now.

 

„I’m trying my best to do the chivalrous thing here. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to...”

 

„If I move? Open your eyes, Ben. I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to.”

 

„That’s what I’m afraid of.”

 

The next words are punctuated by his „I’m deadly serious” look.

 

„This thing between us has no future. I have secrets, I’m guessing you too. I’ll never share mine, I can’t think about where I’ll be next week, I don’t know, my life is unpredictable as it is. I can’t promise anything serious.”

 

„Who said I want serious? Does it look like I have an easy life?”

 

He’s breathing harder and harder, I can see how much I affect him. I want a strong reaction from him, like I react to him. Like I never did for another man.

 

„We can’t do this. It will complicate everything.”

 

„More than it is? Come on, Ben. Do it. You left me waiting in the rain earlier. Be a man and claim what you want from me.”

 

He grabs my hips and pushes his pants covered body between my legs. That’s enough to convince me he wants it too.

 

„Feel that? That should tell you exactly what I want to do now and I can assure you you’d be shocked how much of a man I can be. Multiple times.”

 

„So show me.” I follow my words with a roll of my hips.

 

„This will happen, but not now.”

 

And for the second time tonight, he lets go of me and leaves. Was it me? Why not now? There are so many questions running in my head. Maybe it would be easier if I go after him and ask. But you see, I’m a very proud person, and being rejected two times in a row means I’m not in the mood to humiliate myself further.

If this is his game, I’ll play, but with my own set of rules.

Knowing that I have an action plan sketched, i surprise myself by sleeping very well, resting before the attack.

 

When I wake up, I welcome a sunny day finally, after yesterday’s storm. I’d say it’s the perfect day to do nothing, but I have to remember I made some commitments I can’t break.

 

My love for art extends so far that I teach others how to express themselves through it. Rose had the idea to do it when she saw me explain a painting to a toddler in a museum. So I started looking for kindergartens where they needed an art teacher. The one I found is not far away from my home, I take a nice walk there once a week, and sometimes more, when they need a substitute for other teachers.

I put on a casual attire, being in pencil skirts and silk shirts, with paint around, can easily turn into a disaster when kids are involved. Jeans and a sweatshirt are the winners today.

 

I can identify my kids by the noises they are making until I enter the classroom. They always get excited when we do something new. And I have told them that our class is going to be different today.

Taking a deep breath and calling out all my inner zen, I open the door ready to face the party.

 

„Good morning, class.”

 

„Good morning, Miss Rey.”

 

I love seeing their enthusiastic looks. They transfer their mood to me instantly.

 

„Today we are going to learn how to... Drum beats, please.

 

They tap their small hands on their desks waiting for me to do some magic.

 

„Sculpt.”

„Yeeeey.”

And then they stop and wait for my instructions.

 

I give them Play Doh cans and ask them to follow my moves once I start sculpting in front of the class. There’s a silence in the room that allows me to let my imagination go wild. Even if this is not clay, I manage to do a decent sculpture. I take a step back and... What? I look at what I did and... My imagination went to a place I’ve already been to. It’s a damn infinity sign. Well, at least I didn’t do three. And it is an easy shape for the kids to copy.

 

„Ok, class, you can begin. Remember the steps I followed, you can even close your eyes to feel the shapes better. Raise your hand when you need my help.”

 

As much as I’d like to think they can work in the same silence they allowed me to work in, I know that’s not possible. I can hear them whispering, some of them humming. But I am fine with this level of noise. It’s not only about my tolerance for a bunch of kids talking or yelling in the same time, but there are other classes going on this kindergarten. Most of the teachers don’t really embrace my teaching skills, so I’d rather not give them any reason to complain to the principle.

 

I lean on my desk and watch these kids release their creativity and I cannot help but be grateful that I am here to encourage and support them with it. In the past, there was nobody in my life to do this with me, my nannies were there to make sure I do my homework and stay out of trouble. My teachers feared my parents and let me be, it was easier to ignore me than to show any sign that they can help me.

 

This right here brings me inner peace I rarely obtain. Their energy, their ideas mixed with their cute little faces makes my day always.

 

The door of the classroom opens. I turn my head slowly to see who that might be and try to contain my shock when Ben’s big body takes over the whole entrance. He’s huge, specifically now in comparison with this place with miniature everything. I hope he will not scare the kids.

 

„Hi, Rey. Sorry to interrupt.”

 

„It’s Miss Rey for you, stranger danger.”

 

That’s Jimmy for you, our alpha in the making, the leader of my class. He’s always ready to protect us.

 

I smile when I turn my attention to him and the rest of the class.

 

„Jimmy, class, this is mister Solo, a colleague of mine.”

 

„Hello, mister Solo.”

 

„Hello. If you don’t mind, I’d like a word with Miss Rey.”

 

„Miss Rey, if you’re not back in five minutes, we’re coming for you.”

 

„Thank you, Jimmy. I’m right outside, promise I’ll be back. Be quiet please, keep going with your sculpture.”

 

In the hallway I let go of the laugh I kept inside. Don’t get me wrong, Jimmy reacted just like he should, he saw a stranger and warned everybody about it. It would’ve been wrong of me to laugh at his words.

 

„What’s so funny, miss Rey?”

 

„Hmm, let me see. The fact that a kid thinks I need to be protected from you?”

 

„Maybe you do.”

 

I get closer to him, might be a good time to corner him.

 

„What are you going to do to me, mister big bad wolf?”

 

„While I like the analogy, I’m here for now to take you to the meeting back at the agency.

 

„Oh, we’re back to being professional now. Don’t bother, I can take myself there.”

 

„It was a request of my mother’s.”

Damn it, Leia!

 

„I’m sure it was. Seeing that I have no option, you’ll have to wait for my class to finish so that we can go.”

 

„I can wait in the car.”

 

„I’m not cruel, Ben. Come back in the class with me, you can assist me if you’re not scared of kids.”

 

„I thought you learned by now that I don’t get scared easily.”

 

„We’ll see about that.”

 

I let him in and show him that he can stay at my desk, I have to supervise the little ones anyway and pass through their desks in doing so.

 

„Class, mister Solo will be joining us today. He’s familiar with art, so don’t be shy, you can ask for his help also.”

 

And I wink back at Ben who’s looking somewhat horrified. What did I say about my class being excited about anything new? Ben is that element. The moment I stop talking, instead of asking me to assist them, they fight over Ben’s attention.

At first, he’s clumsy around them, but then he’s getting used to their attention, answering their questions, squatting besides their small desks so not to scare them with his height.

 

„What did Miss Rey ask you to sculpt?”

 

He’s standing near Julie, one of my most shy students.

 

„An infinity sign.”

 

„Oh did she now?”

 

I can clearly hear their conversation and I know he made the connection on the spot. He fixes me with his eyes and smiles, he looks smug. Heck!

 

The class finishes with a lot of cheers when we choose the most creative sculpture. It will be placed on our shelf of fame, as we call it, so that other kids can see what we’re doing here.

We’re waiting for the kids to leave the classroom, when Julie stops and grabs Ben’s hand to get him to her level.

 

„Mister Ben, is Miss Rey your girlfriend?”

 

This should be interesting. Kids always asking simple yet so complicated questions.

 

„No, Julie, we’re just colleagues.”

 

„I see... I like you and I like her. Just thought you should know.”

 

„And speaking for Miss Rey, she likes you and I like you too.”

 

„Ok then. See you.”

 

Breaks my heart this little one. Some teachers told me that her situation back home is not a happy one, she’s raised only by her mother, who works a lot and has no time for her. Maybe that’s why she opened up a bit in Ben’s presence, they have this thing in common.

 

„Don’t mind Julie, kids are kids. You did well for your first day anyway.”

 

„You mean for my first and only time doing this.’

 

„The kids like you, they would enjoy you visiting us in the future for sure.”

 

„I think that was enough for me.”

 

Jerk.

 

„Right. Let’s go to the meeting then.”

 

Uneventful is the ride back to the office none of us is willing to start speaking, we’re alone in our heads with our battles.

The meeting room is full, we’re the last ones to arrive. I’m sited again in front of Ben. It’s good, I can see his reactions.

„I suggest we be efficient today, there is a lot of work to do in just a few days.”

 

Leia proceeds in letting us know that we will have a party the next weekend where important people from the city will be invited along with art lovers. The plan is to present me as a new artist, to awaken their interest and curiosity about me so that they not only join my exhibition but also go home with my paintings. Everybody in the meeting gets assigned tasks. I am about to ask what about me when Leia intervenes.

 

„Poe, you’ll help Rey get prepared for this, tips and tricks included. I’ll give you the list with all the guests. Go through it. Rey, you are to memorize their names, their faces and significant details about their life. You’ll have to do small talk with them once we introduce you. We want you to ace it and impress them.

 

It’s good that I have a great photographic memory and I am used to playing nice, it’s been embedded in me since I was a little girl.

 

„Oh, mother, I can help her with that.”

 

I raise my left eyebrow at Ben and mouth „What the fuck”. He takes my reaction as a challenge to go on.

 

„I personally know most of the guests.”

 

„Ben, this is a great idea. It’s settled then.”

 

I kick him under the table so that nobody can see it. He doesn’t even flinch, damn him. I decide to make this official. I grab my phone and put all my spite in writing a text message. This time he reacts and looks at his phone sort of annoyed. Read the damn text, Ben. He slowly unlocks his phone and reads.

 

„It’s on, mister Solo. It’s so on.”

 

And he dares to smile, like he knew this was coming.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics from the summery are from TroyBoi - Bad Behaviour.


	9. Is everything ok in there?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “God, you are impossible!”  
> “It’s Ben, not God.”  
> “What? Seriously? You’re going to serve me that cheesy line?"

  
“Everybody, you know what to do We have a lot of work until the weekend so let’s get to it. We reconnect tomorrow for updates.”

  
I’m about to leave the room when Poe stops me.

  
“Rey, I need a minute.”

“I don’t remember Leia mentioning that you will need my assistance with your tasks.”  
“It’s not business related.”  
“Ok, the I’m not interested.”

  
And I pass him, making my way to the elevator.

  
“Rose wants to talk to you.”

  
That stops me in my tracks. Maybe I misheard…

  
“If Rose wants that, she should be the one telling me. Not you.”

  
I’m hurt that she chose to share this with him instead of calling me or dropping by. I’m not pissed off anymore, she should know that. With a slight sting in my chest, I press the elevator button and find myself pushed in it as soon as it arrives.

 

“What the hell? Do you mind not pushing me?”

  
Whoever it is, they should be more careful, I could’ve tripped and fallen all over the floor.

  
“Stop the whining, princess. I got your back in case your legs betray you.”  
“Damn it, Ben. What’s the matter with you?”

  
I turn to face him, ready to confront him about earlier episode.

  
“Cone on now, you’re mad for a little manhandling?”  
“God, you are impossible!”  
“It’s Ben, not God.”  
“What? Seriously? You’re going to serve me that cheesy line? It might work with your late night mistresses, but make no mistake, I am nothing like them.”

  
This man is something else when he laughs. You can see a sliver of humanity in him giving you hope that he might actually be a nice guy.

  
“I never considered you my one night bed partner, so there are indeed no similarities between you and them.”  
“Glad to hear you don’t want to sleep with me.”  
“It amazes me how your mind can make such wrong assumptions. Did you forget what I promised in your bathroom before I left?”

  
You have to understand, this discussion is taking place in an elevator where all kinds of dirty happen in moves. Although this is going into a personal area, we are not physically close. We’re standing face to face, but we are glued to the window walls, opposite to each other. There’s a big gap between us, like we know that if we make a step towards the other, we might admit defeat.

  
“Oh, I remember a few things about that night.”

  
His relaxed posture changes, he stands tall and imposing, his hands on the railing, perhaps to keep him from not advancing.

  
“Do tell.”  
“You look like you’re ready to pounce on your prey. Don’t you have any self control?”  
“That’s it. I had it with your constant mood changes.”

  
He moves fast, stops the elevator in between floors, and then checks where the recording camera is. He drags me in the nearby corner where I suppose the camera can’t see what we’re doing exactly.

  
I don’t cave in, he has to understand I will not bow my head and take whatever he has to offer. I don’t let him get too close to me, stopping him with my hands.

  
“That’s as far as you’ll go. Your intimidating tactics don’t work on me.”  
“See, that’s what confuses me the most. One minute you’re disappointing that I’m not fantasizing about you in my bed, then you go and threaten me via messages. And are you that naïve to think I can’t do things to you if you won’t let me touch you?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I can always tell you what I’d do to you if you’d let me get closer.”  
“You wouldn't dare. You know it’s not the place, not the time.”  
“I would without any hesitation. Fair warning, whatever you think I wouldn’t do, think about it twice. So…”  
“Mister Solo, is everything ok in there?”

  
I had no idea security can talk to you in the elevator and to top it all, they are actually paying attention to the cameras. I think I am red as a lobster and thank goodness nothing else more compromising happened.

  
“Yeah, we’re fine now. Miss Rey got dizzy and I was helping her relax.”

  
The way he lies so easy scares me. He pushes the button again and the elevator reverts to its journey.  
He moves away from me, he’s facing the doors now.

  
“Don’t even think you’re off the hook. Remember, it’s on now, so on.”  
I notice that instead of going down, we’re going up. That’s not the way to the ground floor.  
“Where are we going, Ben?”  
“Oh, you’ll see.”  
“Ben.”  
“Nope.”

  
We reach the top floor where I know that the directors office can be found. Leia’s is here somewhere. He directs me in front of big wooden double doors. They give me the impression that I’m about t enter sacred ground. They are that impressive, like protecting what’s behind them from anybody who’d like to come in. I wouldn’t me surprised to see a family crest carved into it.

  
Of course this is his office, it screams Ben all over the place. I’m lingering in the doorway, observing him getting comfortable in his leather very carefully crafted chair. The room is big, sofa to my left with a table in front of it, his big desk in front of me, abstract paintings on the walls and one of the most spectacular view of the city behind him.  
He raises his brows, looks at me and gestures for me to join him.

  
“Don’t be afraid.”  
“I’m not.”  
“Good. Because we have one hell of a list to go through and not enough time.”  
“Do you want to do this now, here?”  
“Do you have another suggestion?”

  
And I think about it, on one hand this means more time with him which can be both good and bad, and on the other hand this would be kind of neutral ground. So no, I do not consider other options. I try to look like I have not lost this battle, grab one of the chairs near his desk, take a sit and look expectantly at him. He seems pleased and I hate it.

  
“Alright then, let’s start.”

  
He hands me a copy of the list and asks me to take notes while he explains who’s who and what they do.  
I am writing as fast as I can and capture as many details as possible. I need to nail this at the party.

  
“Sir, Jo is here.”  
“I’m busy.”  
“She says it’s urgent.”  
“I’m busy.”  
“Sir…”

  
But what catches my attention is the tall blonde barging into his office, completely ignoring me, going straight to him.

  
“You’re not answering your phone, Ben. That is not nice.”

  
I wish she would’ve kept those pretty fake lips shut. Her voice is painfully slicing into my brain.  
Ben doesn’t look happy to see her, he actually seems uncomfortable by the situation. Hmm…

  
“When I say I’m busy, I mean it. What is the urgency?”  
“I want to see, Ben. It’s been…”

 

She actually freaking pauses to calculate. But by the looks on her face, I don’t think she’s capable of doing it.

  
“Uh, it doesn’t matter. It’s been too long.”  
“I will call you when I’m free.”  
“No no, we both know that will not happen.”

  
Now I’m pissed that 1. she ingores me like I’m a nobody and 2. for fuck’s sake, the man said in other words that he is not interested now.

  
“You know, when you offer yourself like that, men tend to loose their interest.”

  
Oh and now she’s looking at me, like I grew two heads, but still.

  
“And you are?”  
“Ben’s current business. And I don’t think he’ll like you to poke around his affairs.”  
“Ha, you think he’s interested in you, you no name?”  
“That’s enough, Jo. Unless you want me to call security, I suggest you leave.”  
“This is not over, Ben.”

  
The way she closes the door makes the paintings rattle on the walls. And then there’s silence.

  
“Your smart mouth might get you into trouble at some point.”  
“You wanted to get mauled be her now?”  
“No.”  
“So?”  
“I was just making an observation.”  
“By the way, you’re welcome.”

  
I know he’s not a man that says sorry, so I take his dismissive growl as his way of showing me gratitude.

  
“And you owe me one.”

  
I had to take advantage of this.

  
“Says who?”  
“Me, of course. And the unwritten law of saving somebody in need.”  
“Whatever, Rey.”  
“There will come a day when you’ll have to return my favor.”  
“Sure.”

  
I can see how it’s getting darker outside but I’m so eager to finish this, so I stop myself from complaining.  
He gets a call at some point and he changes his attitude in an instant. I listen to what he’s saying but based on his monosyllabic answers, I can’t understand what it is about. He seems more compliant, he might not like what he’s hearing but maybe he has no choice.

  
“We’ll have to finish our learning session for the day. I have some business to take care off.”  
“Is Jo waiting and anxious?”  
“What? No, Rey. I’m not spending all of my nights having sex then bragging about it.”  
“That’s not what the gossip magazines say.”  
“You believe in that crap?”  
“There’s always some truth behind those stories.”  
“Yes, some. Not all.”

 

Poe interrupts our quarrel.

  
“Come on, Ben. We’re going to be late. We do not need that.”

  
Hm, now I know where they are going. And I’m going with them. With the risk of seeing my mother and Danny, again. There’s more to this story and I plan on finding out.  
I gather all my stuff, shove everything in my bag and silently following them downstairs to the underground parking lot.  
But the elevator stops on the ground floor.

  
“Rey, we need to go. Get out of the elevator.”  
“No, I’m coming with you.”  
“Out of the question.”

  
And he gently nudges me out of the elevator, leaving me staring at the closed doors. I’m so mad right now that I want to scream. I want to kill him for being such a prick.  
When I’m out of the building, I call Rose.

  
“Hey.”  
“Let’s just skip the part where you say you’re sorry, I tell you how disappointed I am and you promise never to do it again.”  
“Ok…”  
“I need your help.”  
“Anything.”

  
Fingers crossed.

  
“Need you to call Poe and ask him to take us to the fight tonight.”  
“I knew it. You like Solo. Seeing him all bloody turns you on. Admit it, that sinewy body, all that power.”  
“Rose! It’s something else. Why is he fighting? Ever wondered that? He’s rich, he doesn’t need money on the side. Hell, he can have a personal trainer at his disposal , whenever he feels like blowing off some steam.”  
“I think you’re reading too much into it.”  
“Would you please call Poe?”  
“Alright, give me five minutes tops.”

  
Longest minutes of my life. Standing there in front of the Republic’s building, alone, in semi dark. I must be an interesting target for serial killers.  
Then Rose saves me from darker thoughts.

  
“So I quote ‘No, no way, not happening.’ That was Poe. And ‘Fucking shit, Rey.’ That was Ben.”  
“For the love of…”  
“Calm down. There will be more fighting in the future. I promise we’ll get in somehow, but not tonight.”  
“Yeah. Thanks. I’m going home.”  
“Do you want me to come by?”  
“No, it’s fine. Talk to you in the morning.”

  
Getting home has never made me feel so uneasy. I can’t stop thinking of Ben getting hurt, more than he is. Why are you putting yourself through this, Ben? Why? All that blood, those bruises, God knows what other injuries he’s hiding.

  
You know that feeling when you’re in bed, everything seems perfect, the pillow is just the right level of puffiness, the room temperature is just about right, there is no sound coming from the street, just the low humming of the air purifier somehow soothing… and you can’t close your damn eyes because your mind is full of mental pictures that include blood, lot of it, and your heart beats like you’re heavy lifting. Yes, this is me now, I can’t fall asleep no matter what I try.

  
I take my phone from the nightstand and let my fingers hover over Ben’s name. Of course he will not answer if I call him. But I can text him, yes. So I let go of all of my angst with each message that I type.

  
“I hope you’re ok”  
“Please let me know when you see my message”  
“Ben, it’s been an hour. Answer me”  
“Now I’m worried. I will call your mother, Ben”  
“You think I don’t care?”  
“Stupid man”  
“I can’t stand you. But I hope you’re not dead so that I don’t feel guilty for everything that I said”

  
Another hour passes and there’s no reply. To say I’m frightened is an understatement. I’m on my feet, trying to pull a shirt over my tank top when there’s a loud knock on my door.  
I take my baseball bat with me and prepare to open the door and hit the one who thought of showing up at my doorsteps this late in the night.

  
Remember how I was when I saw Ben trying to wash off the blood from his face? Well now I think I might actually faint because there’s blood everywhere, his white t shirt shows me exactly where his open wounds are and he looks like he just lost for the first time in his life.  
He crashes in my arms but still careful not to put his full weight on me, and whispers in my ear.

  
“Do you really care?”

  
Seeing him hurt both physically and emotionally makes my heart shatter into pieces. He’s one of the strongest men I have ever met. It’s a shock to witness him looking damaged.  
I patch up all his wounds, clean all the mess, doing all of this in utter silence. He follows all of my moves but doesn’t say anything. I’m not that good with words in moments of pain, so I do the next best thing and make him feel comfortable.

  
My living room sofa is waiting for him , pillow, blanket and a glass of water with two pills of Advil.  
He takes my hand and asks me with his eyes to stay with him. I can’t be mean with him, not now. I turn on the TV to some mind numbing documentary and let the night tend to both our wounds. I know that at some point during the night his hands pull me to him and we’re weirdly spooning. Not overthinking why he did this, he might be just dreaming.

Light, powerful blinding light falls directly in my eyes. I change my position and slowly emerge into the real world I expect to have to remove myself from Ben’s embrace, but he’s not on the sofa anymore.  
Searching the house, I realize he just left. No note, no message, my phone is free of missed calls. What did I do? I wanted to make him feel better and have a good sleep and this is his reaction?

  
I’m stupid, so stupid. Thinking that maybe… MAYBE… there was a chance he might change the way he treats me. I’ll be fine if we’re friends, polite to one another, not only in public or because I’m sort of blackmailing him. It’s all been fake with him so far and I was a fool to think I can turn this into something better, genuine.  
That’s why I never open up my soul, because there comes a moment when someone will just take advantage of it.

  
I call in sick to Leia’s meeting today and ask her to send me the highlights. I can’t and won’t put myself in an embarrassing situation. I can handle the rest of the list by myself. I do not need Ben’s help. With anything.

  
Leia sends me an email alter in the afternoon with the information about the party location and timing.

  
The drags on as I am in no mood to do anything. Rose visits me and promises that we’ll go dress shopping the next day, for said party. Sometimes you just need a day like this, you and your thoughts and feelings, ice cream and Netflix. I’m into the latest season of Supernatural when I fall asleep and dream about Sam and Dean Winchester taking very good care of me.

  
That’s the reason I wake up smiling, promising myself to watch more Supernatural before I go to bed.

  
Rose picks me up around noon, so until then I take the time to learn by heart the damn list. I am confident that I will rock this party and all the guests joining it.

  
The blue velvet dress I chose is so lush, I’m considering sleeping in it or maybe on it. Maybe the latter, it’s not exactly loose like my pjs.

  
We, as in me and Rose, arrive at the party as advised by Leia, one hour after it started, so that I don’t arise suspicions as to why I would be by Leia’s side greeting the guests.  
As soon as we arrive, Leia starts presenting me to the guests. One by one I win them over with personal questions, giving them updates on their favorite teams from different sports or showing honest interest in their ideas.

  
I’m talking with the owner of a big publishing house and we’re lively discussing the latest most read books when somebody interrupts us.

  
“Misses Thomas, so nice of you to be joining us.”  
“My dear Ben, haven’t seen you in a while.”  
Crap. The last person on earth I want to see.  
“Can I steal Rey for a minute? We need her.”  
“Yes, of course. Rey, it was a pleasure. Hope to see you soon.”  
“Likewise.”

  
Misses Thomas excuses herself and leaves me alone with … him..  
“We need to talk.”  
“No, no we do not need to talk.”


	10. Into the woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is like a sin, my love/   
> For the one that feels it the most/   
> Look at her with a smile like a flame/  
> She will love you like a fly will never love you again.

[](https://ibb.co/W3b85ZK)  
“Rey, come on. I need to explain.”

I focus all my attention on his shoulder, imagining that I am getting rid of a lint and breathe all my calm out through my words. 

“Silence can always be considered an answer. So is leaving somebody’s house without saying anything, maybe drop a message.”

In two strides I move away from him and go in search of Rose. She’s nowhere to be found. I go to the bar to get myself anther drink, without bothering to look behind me. I don’t want to see him glancing my way or worse, following me. 

Finn is at the bar, a familiar face among a sea of unknown guests, so I take a sit near him. 

“Oh, hey Rey.”

“Hey Finn.”

“I had doubts that you’d remember me.”

“I’ve seen you each time I visited the agency. Why exactly would I forget you?”

“Artists tend to do that.” 

And he rolls his eyes like he’s been in this situation multiple times. 

“You mean famous artists. And I am for sure not one of them. And it’s not my style to stop being human once celebrity takes over my soul. That is, if by any chance I will get famous.”

“What are you talking about? Of course you’ll be famous. I’ve seen your paintings and they are amazing. Can’t wait to see them live.”

I’m about to offer him a private tour of them, but I stop. I did see Finn all the times I’ve been to the agency but we don’t know each other. He’s Leia’s employee and that’s where the level of details about him stops. There’s still something about him that makes me feel at ease. And this relaxes me a bit. 

“Thank you for the kind words. We’ll see what the public says once the paintings will be out in the open.”

“Would you like something to drink? Oh, that’s a stupid question. Of course you do, that’s why you came to the bar.”

His clumsiness makes me laugh, this is refreshing indeed.

“I’d love some prosecco.”

He gestures to the bartender to bring me a prosecco. While I wait for my drink, we engage in small talk and this time I find out that he’s been working with Leia since he finished college, somehow managing to juggle both university classes and the part time job Leia offered him. The way he talks about her tells me that he has great respect for her and that he owes her for the opportunity. I wonder if maybe Leia overcompensates the lack of a relationship with her son into other relationships with her young employees. I can’t forget how motherly she acted, and still does, with me. 

“Oh, look, Ben is joining us.”

I bet this is just pure coincidence.

“Hey Finn, how are you?”

He’s standing in front of us, more like between me and Finn, and if he takes a step, he can obstruct my view of Finn and have my eyes solely for him. But I am sure that is not the plan. I mean, why would he do that? It’s not like he’s jealous. Is he? But why would he be? There’s nothing going on between us, except him promising me that we will sleep together. No, of course I didn’t forget that moment. Still, we haven’t even kissed, he didn’t claim me like I asked him. He did explain that we’re in a complicated moment of our life right now, so yeah, he can stop following me once and for all. This uncertainty makes me feel queasy. 

“I’m fine, thanks. I was just telling Rey about my first days in the company. Oh, and Rey, I didn’t mention this, but Ben was of great help. Actually I think he was one of the reasons I chose to go to law school.”

This arouses my interest. 

“Really? Tell me more.”

“There’s nothing to tell. Right, Finn?”

Finn looks at us confused like he has no clue what he got himself in. of course he has no idea how Ben is with me. I touch Finn’s hand that’s resting on the bar to assure him that everything is ok, movement followed both by him and Ben. There are two things happening after this. Finn shows me a big smile and doesn’t move his hand under mine and Ben looks like he’s about to implode. 

Before they say anything that at least one of us might regret, I take my drink from the bar, chug its content as feminine as possible and excuse myself. 

This would not be the first time I want to hide away from everybody at this party.

 

So this takes us where I am standing now, confused by Ben’s manhandling, dragging me in this dark room and getting closer to me once again. Of course he would have his way, we are in his house still. I found out about this earlier from one of his friends. It didn’t seem such an important detail for Leia to share with me.

Ben leaves me alone in the room and I have no idea who was knocking at our door, but in my paranoia I stay put for a few more minutes. I don’t want people to see us together, who knows what conclusions they might reach, and then affect both of us. 

I go back to the party like nothing happened and without looking for Ben. I don’t care what he does and the person whom he is doing it with. No… I don’t.

“There you are. There are a few more guests arriving and this time I’d like you to be there with me. The rabbit’s out of the hat anyway, world traveled tonight that you’re my protegee.”

Besides that, it’s still weird, we actually wanted to avoid this at the beginning of the party. Who might these guests be?

I am standing by Leia when a black car approaches, a man and a woman descending from it. Oh… my… God! I must have been drinking too much because I am hallucinating. My mother and father are approaching us at an alarming pace. Running like hell hounds are after me is not exactly an option now. Mother ignores me at first but father has me fixed in a deadly glance. Maybe mother didn’t tell him that we met…

“Leia, so nice of you to invite us tonight Everybody’s talking about the party, so we couldn’t wait to arrive.”

“Always a pleasure. Rey, I’d like you to meet Qi’ra and Maul, big philanthropists in the art community. Qi’ra, Maul, this is our new born star, Rey. You’ll be able to see her paintings pretty soon.”

“I’m sorry, Rey and?”

My father, always the one to dig deeper. 

“Just Rey.”

He shakes my hand while scanning me from head to toe. That’s right father, I’m alive, I did survive without you. 

“Nice to meet you, just Rey. This is my wife, Qi’ra.”

Mother acknowledges me with a short nod, she really is not a fan of any type of public display of affection, not even the polite ones. 

“Looking forward to seeing your creations. When is that exactly?”

And just then Ben chooses to appear out of the blue. 

“Mom, I need to talk to you for a second.”

“Ben, good that you’re here. Qi’ra and Maul have arrived, don’t be rude.”

Awkward silence would not do any justice to describe what is happening right now. Ben is looking all panicked at my mother as she could easily tell Leia what her son’s been up to lately. Father is still looking at me like he’s not sure I’m real. I’m looking at my mother as she would be capable of ruining my life just by saying that I’m their daughter. And Leia tentatively looks at Ben Qi’ra, not understanding what’s with all the tension. 

“Oh my God, Rey. I’ve been looking for you for an hour.”

I love Rose so much. She manages to break the weird staring contest by taking my hand and dragging me away from all the crazy. She really is oblivious to what was going on there and I am fine with that, she’s my breath of fresh air in this situation. 

I’m in a more secluded part of the garden, because yes, Ben has a garden where the entire cocktail party is taking place. Rose and Poe are emerged in a not so deep conversation about documentaries and conspiracies, and I am simple bystander to it. Usually I get involved in this, not that it’s my area of expertise but I’m interested to find out other people’s points of view and who knows, maybe I’ll learn something new. 

My phone, which I forgot I had, let’s me know that I have a new message. 

 

Here we go again, in case I thought I was off the hook, I was so wrong. If I defy my mother and don’t go, she can make my life a living hell in a few seconds. What can a talk do? I’m about to find out when I’m entering the car. It’s just my mother, my father is most probably expanding his network, like he always did. 

“Rey.”

“Mother.”

This encounter can take a wrong turn with just a few words, so I tread carefully with my reactions.

“It’s clear to me now.”

She likes to start her speeches with an elusive statement, to make you wonder what the hell did you do wrong this time. 

“What’s that?”

One of my nannies taught me how to act like I’m oblivious to my surroundings and let others clarify it for me. ‘Never let them know how smart you are. Trick them into thinking that you don’t represent a threat.’ It often worked with my parents.

“Your connection to the Solo family. I didn’t think you had it in you, after all.”

“I don’t think I understand what you are thinking off.”

“We’ve been doing some background checks and you’ve been barely surviving financially speaking since you left us.”

Since YOU left me… but I don’t bother to rectify her. 

“Of course you did. You needed to know what trouble I’ve gotten myself into. But rest assured, I never dragged your name into any of it.”

“While that was one of my initial concerns, it’s not what I want from you.”

Love? Did you ever want this from me? 

“Spill it out, mother.”

“You were born into money, I imagine it wasn’t easy to live without it for so long. The Solo family has a more than stable income to accommodate a new family member.”

“For fuck’s sake, mother. You think I’m after Ben and his money? How can you be that dense?”

“What else would you want from them? You’re not good with feelings so love between you and him would be out of the question.”

Because of you, I want to scream in her face. She wanted to transform me into an ice princess, that’s what she told me, because she will always be the ice queen of my life.

“Have you, for a freaking second, wondered that maybe they really are helping me build a career? That perhaps I want to make my own money out of my paintings? And not my body?”

“That’s not a long term solution for your needs.”

“How the hell do you know what I need?”

“I gave birth to you, do not ever forget that.”

“That doesn’t mean you know me.”

“Besides the point. Even if you think I am not right, there will come a day when you’ll here me say ‘I told you so’. Anyway, there’s more to it.”

It always is more to it, more to where I come in and help her achieve whatever she desires, no questions asked. 

“What can I help you with?”

All of my words are oozing with sarcasm and I hope she can sense all of it.

“Yes, indeed, you can help me with something, well more things.”

“And if I don’t?”

“You haven’t even heard what I want from you.”

“Whatever it is I know I will not like it.”

“You might enjoy some parts. I’ve seen how Ben is looking at you.”

No way. This is really bad… bad bad bad. 

“I’m not going to seduce him so that you can obtain whatever the hell you need from him.”

“Yes, you will. Remember the message we sent you a few days ago. And that’s not the first item on the agenda.”

I was disappointed in the past when I finished high school and I had to go back home from the boarding school and waited for my parents to pick me up. I waited for hours, too embarrassed to go back to the principle and let other girls from my class see me. My parents left me. So I decided that life gave me the opportunity to escape and live how I wanted, not under my parents’ not so normal rules. Now I know that I chose well, even if eventually they found me. At least I got a break and discovered myself, becoming stronger and more confident in making my own decisions. 

“First you will gain Leia’s trust, as much as she will start inviting you to her house. Oh, and this is her son’s house, you will have a task for tonight.”

“What do you need from Leia?”

“Some documents, but we’ll get down to that when you’ll phone me from her office. Anyway, Ben related. Yes, seduce him, make him even fall for you, if necessary, I need him fighting more often, and I understand that Leia forced him to spend his time handling matters related to you. He can do that at the fighting ring with you being there.”

My head is spinning and I think I might throw up everything I’ve eaten so far. This cannot be happening, not like this, not now,.

“Don’t be dramatic, I can see it in your eyes. Life doesn’t have to end here. I’ll let you have your little exhibition, make some money on the side. And of course I will not tell Leia that you are related to us. Keep your pathetic ‘she came from nothing’ image so they can pity you and offer to help you more.”

“How can you do this? To me, to Leia, Ben… What did they do to you?”

“You’ll find out when the time is right.”

“You never answered, what if I say no?”

“All of the above are cancelled, no exhibition, Leia and everybody you know will find out the truth about you, and of course you will come back home with us like a good prodigal daughter that you are. And your engagement to Danny is back on.”

“I need air.”

I open the door and get out of the car, with a clear intention to run as far away as I can. I still have my phone in one hand so I help myself to take off my heels with the other hand and start running barefoot. There’s a forest close by, I can get lost in it. I know my mother is tracking my every move so the forest seems a good option to disappear from people chasing me.

And I run until I can’t feel my feet and my dress is tangled around my ankles and knees, and my lungs are expanding and no air seems to get in. I collapse on the roots of a big oak, resting my back on its trunk. I never wanted to be part of the family business. They never told me what they were doing but I heard rumors that pointed to not so legal approaches. 

I never asked to join their parties, I never wanted to be the center of attention. And now they are throwing me in the fire or putting me in the lion’s den, because Ben can me the lion to my lamb… or will it be the other way around?

I close my eyes and beg my heart to calm down, there’s no reason to waste its beats, I am aware that I have no choice in this. Unless I come clean in front of Leia and all of my friends and pray that they will still want me in their life. I can’t risk loosing them like this, they are all that is good in my life, the white to my family’s dark. And I can’t go back to Danny… I just can’t tie my future to his. 

I let the night take away my thoughts, my breathes, ignoring the phone vibrating on and on. They’re looking for me probably, but I am better here in the dark. And at some level I think they are better without me. Not my family, they’re just fine. If they would have wanted to, they would have searched and found me back then. But my friends… My Rose, who has no idea who I am, what I did…

There are warm hands touching my face and then I hear a loud voice. 

“She’s here. I’m bringing her to the house.”

And then I am lifted in the air and nestled in strong arms and his familiar scent. There are so many things I’d like to tell him now, tell him the truth, let him hate me more, let him think I’m a con artist and that my paintings are nothing, and that I am bad for him. Why would I need money with a family like mine, right?

I want to open my eyes, but I can’t, my lids are so heavy, like bricks are pressing on them, my mouth is dry, I can barely feel my tongue and my breathes are superficial. 

Why is Ben caring me? And why does it feel so safe in his arms?

I hear more voices approaching, it means we’re back at the house and I can vaguely distinguish pieces of dialogue.

“Is she alright, Leia?”

That is my mother, obviously she didn’t leave, she hasn’t sealed the deal yet.

“Ben, take her upstairs. I’m calling the doctor right now.”

Leia acting more like a mother then my own.

And then I hear some shuffling, climbing of stairs, a door opening and my body being slowly engulfed in silk covers.

Ben takes my phone away, which apparently I’ve been squeezing in my hand, and pulls a blanket over me. 

I wait for him to go away and call Rose to come and stay with me, but instead I feel the bed dip near my waist and his hands tucking me better in the blanket.

I can sense the heat radiating from this body somehow half above mine, he’s bent over me and checking for signs of fever. I manage to open my eyes in slow motion and look at his worried face. 

“Rey…”

I can’t talk yet and there are no words needed, I guess. It’s just me and him, his body close to mine, my need to draw him in my embrace. 

He touches my face oh so delicate and I can’t help but think that he can be so tender yet so rough on the outside. 

“Ben, the doctor is here.”

Leia announces and our moment is broken. His poker face is back on and I can’t ready any emotion on it. Where did you go, Ben? For a minute there he shared with me what he hides under layers and layers of rudeness and snarky comments. And I want that man back. That man I have to seduce into using his body for my mother’s financial well being. What a sick joke my life has become in a matter of hours.

Ben is instantly out of the room, letting the doctor check me up. Extreme fatigue is the diagnosis, I know what that is. It’s not the first time I collapse like this, it’s my way of coping with intense situations. I block any survival instinct. On top of the stress related to the success my exhibition might or might not have.

The doctor prescribes some vitamins and the needed bed rest, which I never follow. I’m left only with Leia in the room after the doctor goes away.

“You gave us quite the fright when Ben couldn’t find you and told us you’re gone.”

Was Ben looking for me? Why? After all the failed meetings we had during the party.

“You need to take care of yourself better, Rey. And don’t run on us like that. Remember I told you that I am here whenever you feel like talking. There’s no need to run into these woods. I don’t think they are that safe, honey. I’m still wondering why Ben wanted this house here.”

That makes me smile, this is so typically Ben. A secluded, hidden by the woods, house, where he can plot to take over the world. 

“I’m sorry.”

My voice is back but it takes all of my energy to form words. 

“For what?”

“For disappearing.”

“Let’s not think about that. It’s good that Ben found you and you will be better in no time. I’ve never seen that boy of mine acting so erratically over someone.”

“I’m sure.”

“You should be. Now rest, you need sleep.”

“I need to go home.”

“It’s better if you stay here for the night and we will take you home in the morning.”

“No, no, it’s fine. Rose can take me back.”

“I sent Rose home after I assured her that once you are rested you will give her a call. She will be waiting for you at home tomorrow.”

Oh Leia. Does she think that me spending the night in Ben’s house will make us both realize what feelings we hold for each other?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Summary lyrics are from Massive Attach - Paradise circus.   
> This chapter is linked to the first chapter.


	11. You're nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did you just spank me?”
> 
> “You stopped undressing me. Focus!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Readers, 
> 
> Smut alert! It's my first time writing it so be gentle :) I hope you enjoy it as I enjoyed writing it.

[](https://ibb.co/WPS8dvX)  
Leia leaves me alone so that I can at least try to fall asleep. And I’m just about to let myself forget about the disastrous encounter with my mother when I hear the door open and then gently closing. My first thought is that Ben came back. My heart speeds up anticipating what he will do next, for sure not to read me a bed time story. I wait for him to approach my side of the bed in the dark, but he goes for the lamp on the night stand and turns it on. 

I was so wrong to think it was Ben… It’s not him, it’s Danny. My first instinct is to move away from him and press my back to the headboard and keep the blanket tight in my arms. It’s not like he can see anything, I am still fully clothed, but I require something to protect me more from his prying look. His eyes are hungry and I do not want to find out for what exactly.

“Why are you here, Danny? How the hell did you get in?”

“You seem to forget that I have certain skills.”

“No, I just don’t want to remember anything about you.”

He has his hands on the bed inching up my knees, the blanket doing nothing to hide my figure underneath it. 

“You sure you want to do that, sugar? We shared a lot of good moments together.”

“I wonder what mother would say if she found out that I was underage and you knew it.”

He gets closer to me, one knee on the bed, pulling my feet towards him. Like an executioner looking into his victim’s eyes before finishing his job. My stomach recoils from the idea of him trying to do more touching. 

“Your mother was very aware of what we were doing. She knew we’ll make a great couple in the future.”

“A couple she could fully control.”

“A couple she could encourage and support.”

He likes to have the financial safety my parents offer, but it always comes with a price, always.

“Why are you here?”

“Came to see if you’re ok.”

“Right. I’m fine, you can go.”

The less I see him, the better and easier I can get rid of all the memories I have of him. I was young and inexperienced and he took advantage of me and my family. I enjoyed how he made me feel safe by being there for me whenever I needed it and more. He was the picture perfect boyfriend and I chose to ignore the rumors about him hooking up with other girls. I never cared to dig deeper, afraid of finding out the truth and losing one of the few people that seemed to give a shit about me. 

“Oh, and to let you know about the task you have while you’re here.”

Damn it. We’re back to this again. I shut my eyelids and try to push him off me but he doesn’t stir. 

“You have a photo on your phone of a jewelry you must find.”

“Have you seen how big this house is? How should I know where Ben is keeping such a thing?”

“Might be something important for him so go from there.”

“Fine, I will try.”

He doesn’t add anything else but touches m y face with his fingers wavering over my lips. I used to enjoy kissing this man, it was all that was good in my life. All those feelings are long gone though, he did the same thing as my parents, not to search for me, he must’ve not wanted me back that bad 

“Ah, these lips. I still remember our first kiss. Do you, Rey?”

I remember all of my firsts, he took them. I gave them to him.

“No, I don’t.”

“Maybe I should refresh your memory.”

And he replaces his fingers with his lips. I stay still, not moving, not breathing, doing nothing so that he won’t think I’m responsive to his kiss. 

But before assaulting my lips more, the door opens again.

“Who the fuck are you?”

Ben’s voice is like a sword cutting through me. I cannot imagine what he’s thinking now seeing Danny almost on top of me with his lips locked on mine. 

This time Danny lets me shove him away, but the bastard doesn’t bother to move fast. He knows mother’s plan about trapping Ben in a relationship, but doesn’t seem to care that he’s messing with my chances. 

“He’s leaving.”

“Yeah, you bet he’s leaving, but not before telling me who he is. I don’t appreciate strangers in my house.”

Danny moves leisurely until he’s standing in front of Ben. God help him, if he touches Ben, I’m jumping from this bed in this damn dress and hit him in the head with the lamp. 

Ben is taller and muscular, but I know Danny won’t give up without a fight if needed. They stand one in front of the other, measuring each other, finding a weak point where to attack first. It’s like watching two lions ready to claim their territory, or their female. Either way, this will not end well if one of them doesn’t give up. 

“Danny, please just go.”

It worked in the past, calming him down, and I am stunned that it still does. He leaves the room, bumping Ben’s shoulder as a warning that this is not over. 

It’s just me and Ben in the room again, but now I’m faced with an angry Ben, there’s no trace of the worried one I saw earlier. I can sense his wrath radiating from all of his pores. I’m the reason for this cluster fuck and it’s about to get worse. 

“I’m sorry, Ben. I really am.”

He clenches his fists and exhales like he hasn’t breathed in ages. 

“For what the fuck are you sorry, Rey? For disappearing into the fucking woods where there are wild animals hungry for a body like yours? Or for kissing a stranger in my fucking house? No, wait, he’s no stranger to you. You said his name. Who the fuck is he?”

No sense in lying about this.

“My ex-boyfriend.”

“And you thought it would be a great idea to invite him here?”

While almost yelling at me, with each word he gets closer and closer to the bed. I’m not scared of him, he can’t physically hurt me. 

“He… I didn’t invite him.”

He’s dragging me off the bed with his hands tight around my wrists so fast that I think I’m about to faint. He’s there, supporting my weight. 

“Why the fuck was he kissing you?”

I can sense his words puffed on my face, he’s that close.   
Why the hell does he care anyway? He had his chance, well chances… 

“And why do you want to know the answer to this question?”

I need to fight back, to get a stronger reaction out of him, maybe this time I’ll succeed. 

“Is Ben Almighty Solo jealous that he didn’t get to do it first tonight?”

He’s mad, that I can clearly see by the way he’s tightening his hold on me. 

“And why would I be jealous, mm? You’re nothing.”

That hurt. But I’m not giving up on him, I’m pushing my body into his and level his craziness. 

“I might be nothing to the rest of the world. But not to you. Fucking admit that I affect you. That you want these lips on yours, on your body.”

There are a few seconds when I think I lost the fight, but then… I find myself locked tight in Ben’s strong arms, my breasts underneath my dress, pressed to his chest, his arms on my back and his eyes searching mine. 

“I told you that you like to play with fire. Are you ready to get burned, baby? Consider this your first and your last, until I decide otherwise.”

I don’t get a chance to reply back, because Ben Fucking Solo is eating my lips like they are his last meal on this planet. I’ve never been kissed like this, his lips are worshiping mine in a dance I’m just getting familiar with. I could say that he started with light pecks, to check my reaction, but no. This is not Ben. When he wants something he goes straight for that thing. His tongue is licking my lower lip, moving to my upper one and then probing between them for access. And I give it to him, opening my mouth and welcoming his invasion, I am his to conquer. 

I let my hands play for a while in his hair, it’s not short, but not long, it stops just below his ears, and it always looks like he spent a lot of time arranging it to be perfect. He gives me only a few moments to catch my breath when he takes off his suit jacket, I can’t form any coherent thoughts so I do the only thing that seems right, reach for the zipper of my dress and pull it down. 

Ben stops when he sees what I’m doing and watches how my dress unveils my skin inch by inch. His eyes grow darker, I’ve seen them like this the other times, but now it’s different, because he’s also licking his lips like he’s accepting that nobody is saying no now. 

I’ve got nothing underneath my dress except only a pair of lace panties. 

“Fuck.”

It’s his reaction. He just stands there, his eyes travelling along my body, telling me the story of what he could do to me. I can feel my nipples growing extra sensitive, I’m in desperate need of somebody to rub the pain away. The pressure building between my legs is increasing by the minute. I rub my legs a little to release some of it. 

“Stop that.”

“What?’

“Doing what I’ll do to you. You’ll come because of me.”

“What are you waiting for? Make me come, Ben.”

Cupping one of my breasts, he whispers in my ear. 

“Undress me. Now, Rey. I’m not a patient man anymore.”

I start unbuttoning his shirt, more like trying to concentrate on it while his hands are roaming down my back and stopping to explore the shape of my ass, massaging it while doing it. 

A slight sting on my right cheek makes me moan in surprise. 

“Did you just spank me?”

“You stopped undressing me. Focus!”

I hurry up with the shirt letting it land in a heap on the floor. This man is like marble carved by the most skillful artists. His skin still looks pale in the little light we have in the room, but it just makes him look more surreal. My fingers are buzzing from the touch of his skin. I’ll have time to explore later, I promise myself. I revert to unbuckling his belt and then slowly unzip his pants. I can’t resist and palm him through his boxer briefs. He lets his head fall on my shoulders and bites my skin there.

“If you continue to tease my like this, I will take you unceremoniously on the floor until you’ll have the carped imprinted all over your skin.”

That doesn’t sound that bad. I attempt a move up and down to feel his full hardness. He’s big, bigger than my hand. 

“Get on the bed.”

He whisper yells in my ear after spanking me one more time. I give up on touching him and back down until my feet are pressing into the mattress. I sit down, if I lie down I will not see him finishing undressing.

“I told you that we’ll settle this later, you know, when we got interrupted. That’s for you to remember, I always keep my promises.”

The pants are off and now I can see him standing tall in only his boxers, that do very little to hide his size. He’s large everywhere, he has strong thighs that I felt when I wrapped my legs around him in my bathroom. I can easily distinguish his biceps and triceps, and, God, his forearms showing veins pumping his blood. 

“Like what you’re seeing?”

So full of himself. 

“I don’t know. Let’s see.”

I raise one leg on the bed and let my fingers descend down my abdomen until they’re touching me through my panties. 

“Do YOU like what you’re seeing?”

He’s also touching himself through the boxers. And this view of such a powerful man rendered speechless by the show I’m putting on for him… Makes my inner muscles call for him to fill them up. 

He advances and once he’s a breath away from me, he captures my lips in a devouring kiss, a clash of tongues mimicking how his skin will slide on mine. 

He drops to his knees and replaces my fingers with his. 

“Oh… my… Ben…”

“So wet for me. Tell me, what do you want me to do?”

I don’t know if I can form full phrases, maybe just words.

“There… touch me there.”

And he does, up and down and in small circles, putting pressure on my clit and making me arch my back and push my body closer to his fingers. 

“And now? Do you want more?”

Ben being talkative in these moments makes my skin hum and open up for his touches. 

“Kiss me.”

“Mhm, where do you want me to kiss you? You have to be very specific, baby.”

“Down there, kiss me where you’re fingers are.”

His hot mouth covers the material of my panties and presses his lips into a kiss.

“Take my panties off.”

That extra layer between us is killing me. He stops and looks at me between his long lashes. 

“You’ll have to ask me nicer.”

“Please, please, take them off.”

Since when do I beg? I don’t know who I am right now, but I really don’t care. I want this man standing on his knees in front of e, looking like he’s about to do anything I ask him to. 

He slowly removes my panties and stops when they are around my knees. The cold air hits all of my scorching hot places and breaks my skin into goosebumps. He’s staring at what he uncovered and that makes me feel exposed. My legs by instinct move to hide me. But he’s faster and stops me with his hands.

“Don’t hide from me. I want to see all of you.”

My panties are gone and my legs kept spread wide by his hands. I am watching him getting closer to my core and blowing hot air all over it.

“Ben.”

“Yeah, baby.”

“I…”

“I know, just sit back. I got you.”

His tongue does some magic tricks that make me fist the blanket I’m on and use it to hold on tight. I need more of him and it’s like he can sense it, adding one finger to his ministrations. 

“I want you to come on my tongue, Rey. Can you do that for me?”

His words vibrating on my clit take me over the edge, the orgasm starting from my core spreading all over my body, numbing my legs, my arms. His name forms on my lips like a sweet song I can’t seem to stop singing. I fall back on the bed, getting my breath back, when I feel him over me. He managed to move us completely on the bed and I haven’t even realized when. He’s holding his weight in his hands on my side, tracing kisses from my neck up my ear, on my jawline, around my lips, teasing me and giving me time to recover my energy. 

“You’re driving me crazy. Your body is killing all my self control.”

His words empower me to switch our position, as I move on top of him. 

“Rey, you don’t have to… We don’t have to… I found you in the woods earlier barely breathing.”

“Stop treating me like I’m made of glass about to shatter any minute. I want you, if you haven’t noticed all of my signals by now.”

I’m rolling my hips in a slow motion and notice how he’s looking directly to where our bodies are touching. There’s only one thing keeping us to be skin on skin, and I’m about to solve this last issue. I move to his side on the bed and peel his boxers off.

“Rey.”

He stops me from touching him.

“There’s no going back if you do that.”

I fix him with my eyes and release my hands from his hold. 

“Who said I want to go back?”

He must be surprised by the abrupt view of my lips around him, because he groans so loud, I can only pray that we’re far away from Leia’s room or anybody living in this house. After a few moments of my lips familiarizing with his length, he pulls me up. 

“I won’t last long if you do that. Later, we’ll have time later.”

He moves further on the bed, in a sitting position, his back leaning on the headboard and positioning me on top of him. Ah, this, right here, is so good, he’s so close to me and I can touch him, I can kiss him and he has access to me however he wants.

He catches my chin with his fingers, so that I am paying attention to what he’s about to say.

“I’m going to ask you one more time, are you sure?”

Instead of answering, I kiss him deep and long until I feel him twitching under me.

“Condom?”

“Nightstand.”

I eye him curiously.

“Who’s room is this, Ben?”

“Mine.”

“Of course you brought me to your room. We’ll talk about that later.”

I reach blindly for a condom and after a few attempts, manage to retrieve one from the nightstand. He takes it from my hand and puts it on while capturing me into another kiss meant to make me forget my name.

I get up so that I can position him at my entrance and then let myself go down bit by bit. It’s been a long time since I had sex last time and then Ben is not your average size guy, so I have to adjust to the intrusion. 

“Fuck, Rey… Don’t… just give me a second. Don’t move.”

He has his eyes closed and he is trying to control his breath. It’s too much for the both of us. I never expected it to feel this good. 

Once he has a grip on his control or so it looks like it, he puts his hands on my hips and starts to move me, up and down, inch by inch he goes further in and it’s just amazing. I take over the movements and guide his hands on my breasts. 

Our kisses become more chaotic, his moans completing mine, and I know we’re both close, so close. He lets go of one of my breasts and pinches my clit with his fingers. 

My second out of this world experience makes me scream in the silence of the night, followed immediately by his grunts. Him pulsing inside of me makes me climax one more time. And this would be a first for me, a first Ben gifted me. 

I lean my head on his shoulder and my body on his, we’re both slick and burning. 

“That was… I have no words.”

“It was clearly better than my fantasies.”

“Ben Solo, you surprise me. You had fantasies about me?”

“There were a few times.”

“Care to share?”

“How about I promise that I will show them to you?”

“Right now? I don’t think I am able to move for a week.”

He laughs underneath me.

“When the opportunity arises, of course not now. Come on, let’s get you and me clean and we’ll take it fro there.”

“I told you I can’t move, haven’t you listened?”

This carrying thing might become one of my favorite pass times. After we’re all cleaned up, we lay together in bed, facing each other. He arranges a rebel strand of my hair and gently kisses my lips. Don’t think it through, Rey, it’s just a kiss. 

“Good night, Rey.”

“You’re sleeping here?”

“Would you like me to go?”

“No no, it’s fine. Goodnight, Ben.”

My sex induced good mood takes me quickly in the land of dreams where Ben is waiting to tell me all about his fantasies. 

I wake up startled by a large warm hand being draped over my chest, cutting off my air supply. For a second, I’m confused, not understanding where I am and who’s in bed with me. Memories slip one by one of what happened earlier, images of Ben and me tangled up lingering in my mind. My body hurts when I try to move, so I’m careful when I remove myself from under Ben’s hand.

I get up from the bed and search for my phone. Danny said something about a photo and I mustn’t let Ben see it. 

A beautiful piece of jewelry sitting on a velvet pouch is what I should be looking for. And maybe now would be the perfect time to do it seeing that Ben is still asleep. 

I put on his shirt, button it up just enough to cover my essentials, in case I meet anybody on my search. I’m out in the hallway after checking that Ben hasn’t moved while I got dressed.

I should be searching for his office, although I highly doubt that he’d be keeping something that precious out in the open. But at least I have to try, even if my insides are torn to pieces for doing this to him. I can’t help the feelings I have for him. I want to deny them and never voice them, but I am well aware that they are burning holes in my well guarded heart. He might not feel the same, sex can be just sex after all, but it doesn’t make it any better. How could it? I am betraying his trust and more so if I steal the the piece of jewelry from him.

At the end of the hallway I find the room he dragged me in at the party. Maybe this is it. The door opens silently and my phone flashlight shows me the view I expected and hoped for, it is indeed his home office. Searching through drawers was never my thing. I once saw my dad put a gun in one so I stayed away from any of them at home. There’s nothing similar to a velvet pouch or a jewelry box in any of Ben’s drawers, and that calms me down, I get one extra day to not do him wrong. 

I’m about to move on to a glass case that holds a few books and small art pieces when the door opens and Ben’s silhouette lingers in the entrance.

“What are you doing here, Rey?”


	12. Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re such a liar.”
> 
> I look him dead in the eyes.
> 
> “Yes, I am."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I mentioned that I am in desperate need of a beta?

[](https://ibb.co/BBPj29N)  
“Oh, Ben, you scared me. I was just searching for the bathroom when I found what I assume is your office. And it called for me to have a look, maybe discover more of you.”

Way to go, Rey, using one of the most lamest excuses ever. 

“I have an en-suite.”

“I didn’t notice it with the room being all in the dark. I didn’t want to wake you up.”

My mouth feels like I’ve been chewing on wool for a long time now. I have lying, especially to Ben, who I know doesn’t do well with trusting people in general. I am a horrible person, I deserve to be punished after this thing is over. I sure hope it will happen.

“That’s ok, you’ll know next time.”

“Next time?”

He moves from the doorway and stops in front of me. I can’t see his face in this damn dark and boy do I wish I did. Is he serious with this happening again?

“Yes, Rey. Next time you’ll be in my bedroom. That is if you want to.”

“And what would I do here, Ben? Have a 5 o’clock tea with your mother?”

“I’m not sure my mother would enjoy tea with you while I have my cock shoved up that sweet…”

“Oh my God, Ben, what’s with the filthy language all of a sudden?”

“You don’t like it?”

I must say it made my body ache a bit in such a sensual way hearing him talk like that.

“Maybe you should do it more often, so that I can get used to it.”

He sneaks his arms around my waist and pulls me closer, his lips hovering over mine.

“How about you bend over my desk and let me take you from behind? Mmm, would you like that? We can practice more on other things too.”

His words go directly into the pit of my stomach and then lower, between my legs. And I wonder if Ben would appreciate me returning his shirt soaking wet. 

“Turn around and let me look at you.”

I do as he asks and put my hands on his desk, bending my body as he’s guiding me with his hands on my back. His legs are touching my bare thighs and I can conclude that I’m not the only one excited about doing this. 

“Are you kidding me? You’re naked under my shirt?”

Cold air hits my ass and back as he raises the shirt up. 

“Your shirt was covering up all the right places.”

“Driving me nuts, that’s what you’re doing. You’re lucky we’re not in public.”

“You wouldn’t dare do anything to me in public.”

That comes out more like a question. And I forget about it for a few seconds when his fingers move between my legs, teasing my folds, getting me readier than I already am. 

“Would you like to test that theory? I must warn you that I never hold back in such cases.”

A moan escapes my throat when his fingers speed up their movements. I seem to have lost once again the ability to talk, think… Although I’d like to challenge him more, I decide it’s in my best interest to let him have his way with me right now. 

Without any warning he’s in me in one slick move. This is too much all at once. I feel too full I can barely breathe. 

“You’re… so good, baby. This right here, I could die a happy man just like this.”

Careful Ben, I might just start believing you mean what you’re saying in moments such as this.  
He starts moving but I stop him with a hand on his hip. 

“What’s wrong?”

“You’re big… and I’m not. Can we just wait a bit?”

“I’m sorry, Rey. I just couldn’t stop.”

He’s peppering kisses on my back and caressing the roundness of my breasts, while I adjust around his length. 

“I like you in my shirt, you know? It looks better on you but I’d prefer we have this view only for my eyes.”

Hmm, aren’t we the possessive type?

“I mean it, Rey. If I catch another man touching you while we’re doing this, it will not be good for that man. Now, who’s ass is this to see?”

He gives me a light spank, just enough to prove his point, but enough to make me tighten my walls around him. That gets me a growl from him and his hands placed on the desk near mine to steady him. 

“Say it, Rey. Who’s?”

“Yours.”

“That’s right, baby. Who’s breasts are these to lick and suck?”

He’s moved his hands on my breasts, tweaking my nipples between his fingers, and without even noticing, I’m the one starting to move around him. And he responds by grabbing my hips and increasing the speed. 

“Who’s are they, Rey?”

“Yours. All of me is yours.”

“Fuck, yes. Yes it is.”

And then we’re lost in the way our bodies briefly touch, in the lightest slaps created by skin colliding to skin, his words that stopped making sens and are a mix of yes, faster, tighter, fuck, and all of my pleads to move deeper and harder. 

I’m so bent over his desk that my nipples start rubbing themselves on the wood, giving my sensations I’ve never experienced, shooting straight to my core. And just like that my orgasm decides to take over my body giving me no option but to scream Ben’s name and push my body into his more and more, meeting his each and every move. 

After a few seconds he follows me, feeling him go off inside of me, surprising me by warming me up. Then it hits me, we didn’t use a condom. 

He pulls out and freezes, no longer touching me. I turn around quickly to distinguish in the dark a panicked look on his face.

“What, Ben? Tell me.”

“Condom. We didn’t… I am so stupid. But I didn’t think we’ll do it when I started searching for you.”

“Hey, it’s ok. I’m on the pill and clean I an assume you…”

“Yes, yes of course, I get tested regularly. What was I thinking?”

I take his hand and guide him back closer to me. 

“Clearly we were both not thinking about this. It’s fine. For our peace of mind, we’ll soon get tested again. Until then, you better have a condom on you all the time, mister Solo.”

Trying to lighten up the mood doesn’t seem to work on him now. 

“I promise. I had no intention of doing this.”

“What? Bend me over your desk?”

“Without any protection. I am so sorry.”

“I said it’s fine. We’ll not let it happen again.”

“But it did feel so good.”

“I know, oh I know.”

The way he’s kissing me now so sweet makes me think if we’d have a chance to be more than this. But no, this can’t be. He’ll never want to see me again when he’ll find out the truth. I know he will not believe a word I’d say. I might as well enjoy these feelings while they last. And to top it all, he did tell me about his complicated life, there’s no need for me to complicate it more. 

“Come on, let’s go back to bed. I want to take this sexy body and keep it there for as long as I can.”

“You’re such a sweet talker.”

“Sweet talker, dirty talker. I’m a lot of things for you to discover.”

“And you’re so humble. How could I resist you?”

“Admit it, you like me.”

“Never, Solo. Never.”

I wake up earlier in the morning. I want to avoid any awkward vibes between me and Ben and any encounter with Leia. She’ll instantly know what we did and she’ll get her hopes up that I’m starting a relationship with her son. I would hate to see her disapointed when nothing will happen or whatever excuse will Ben serve her. 

And I also feel guilty for what I’m about to do to them. I don’t even know yet what mother is actually trying to obtain or the extent of it. But being part of this makes me feel tainted, of my past, of my origins, of what the future has in store for me. 

I gather all my belongings as fast and silent as I can, put my dress back on and call a cab while I’m walking down the stairs, asking the universe that nobody sees me doing this walk of shame. 

I run towards the cab and exhale when I’m in it. I just want to go home and forget that anything happened last night. 

I find Rose soundly sleeping on my couch. I sneak up behind it and go directly to my room. We can have the talk when she’ll wake up. I notice my phone has no battery so I plug it in and go have a shower and remove last night’s makeup. In the end I want to change into something more comfortable then this crazy dress. 

When I exit the bathroom the divine smell of freshly made coffee captures my senses and guides me directly to the kitchen. 

“Good morning, stranger. You look better.”

“Morning Rose. Better then?”

“Last night, pale, ghostly looking in Ben’s arms. Besides giving us the scare of our lives, I’m actually sorry you weren’t fully conscious while Mister Hunk was carrying you and not letting anybody touch you.”

“Oh, you’re imagining things.”

“No, not really. It looked like you were his most prized possession. And he wasn’t ready to share you with anybody. ”

“I really don’t know what to say.”

“Just think about it while you drink this awesome coffee I made.”

I fill up my cup and take a moment just to enjoy the smell. 

“You’re an angel.”

“I know. I hope you feel better, I haven’t seen you react like that for such a long time. I’m worried, you know?”

“I’m fine, trust me. Just exhausted is all.”

She eyes me suspiciously. 

“If you say so.”

She’ll observe me from a distance until she’ll be convinced that I am fine. That’s another thing she always did for me, since she witnessed me doing this the first time. 

“Tell me all about how it is to sleep in that big mansion of Solo’s.”

“Let’s see. They have comfy beds.”

“You got to give me more than that, come on.”

We’re abruptly interrupted by a loud knock on the front door. This early… God, I hope mother or Danny haven’t decided to check up on what I found in Ben’s house. They will be sooo disapointed. 

Rose moves to open the door faster then me and I move my chair to be ready to jump if needed. I can hear her talking with the visitor from my place at the table. 

“What do you think you’re doing? Maybe she doesn’t want to see you.”

“Oh does she now? Move out of my way, Rose.”

Ben. Here. At this hour. It took him such a short time to notice I’m not in his bed anymore.  
I’m now facing an enraged Ben, his eyes are zoomed on me and if looks could kill… well you know. I hold on to my cup of coffee like it’s my anchor. 

Show no weakness, I tell myself. Or he will eat you alive. Wait, now I know how he can eat me… Focus! Damn it. 

He puts his hands on the chair in front of me, looking like he is ready to hit the wall with it. 

“What?” I ask with my calmest voice, there is no need for him to know that my insides are fighting to get me closer to him, to feel his warmth against my skin, to sooth the pain building in my lonely heart. 

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“Don’t yell at me.”

“I’ll yell until you understand that it’s not ok to fucking disappear just like that.”

“As far as I remember you did the same a few nights ago. You didn’t see me yelling at you after that.”

“It’s not the same, I’m a man.”

“So now we have double standards? So what if I’m a woman? I’m not allowed to leave your house without giving you a heads up? Or am I not allowed to leave at all?”

“That’s not… Are you crazy, Rey? You’re a woman and a lot could happen to you and nobody would know. Get that? Even a cab could take you away and we’d never find you.”

“As you can see I’m just fine.”

“By luck only.”

I get up from my chair, put my hands on the table eating the distance between us, to make sure he’s hearing well all of my words. 

“So what? It would’ve been my fault. Do you understand that? My decisions, my consequences.”

He mirrors my position, putting at rest all of the distance between us. 

“Do you let anyone in that heart of yours? Is it that hard to believe that there are people that care about you?”

And he scores. Exactly where it hurts me the most.

“Leave my house right now You know nothing about me.”

“Because you’re not telling me.”

“When was the last time you asked and I refused to answer?”

The silence he offers shows me that I hit a soft spot for him. 

“Get out, Ben.”

I can feel his cologne and have a flash back of how he touched me last night. I could just press my lips against his and wait about all of this. But I can’t, he needs to know my limits.

“This is not over.”

He says through gritted teeth and turns to leave, but it’s not like me to let him have the last word. 

“This never started, Ben. You said it yourself, our lives are to complicated to initiate anything.”

He gives me just a glimpse of his eyes looking hurt, but then he puts back on that damn poker face. 

“You’re such a liar.”

I look him dead in the eyes.

“Yes, I am. For the last time, get out.”

The only thing I can hear is my front door being slammed, And it’s like a slap on my hypocrite face. How the hell did I get myself involved into this? I had it planned out easy at the beginning. Paint, get my turmoils of my chest and put them in my paintings, see if people appreciate them and then paint some more. Then Ben happened, pushing bullets into my armor, one by one with each of his comments, touches, look. All the control I thought I had, he drills into it every time I see him. Mother read right through me and didn’t miss the opportunity to take advantage of it. 

I don’t know who will win in this, but I am certain it will not be me. So what if I get to keep my exhibition? I will always be aware of the price I had to pay, the victims I made along the way.

I could run away, start fresh somewhere else. Let my past go once and for all, with the hope that it will never catch up with me again. Maybe I will do it after I am done with my mother.

“That didn’t sound good. Did he hurt you?”

“No no, that was the chair he… Never mind. He freaked out that I left his house without telling him.”

“That’s rude of you.”

“Really, Rose? You too?”

“Even if he’s the most audacious bastard I’ve ever met, that doesn’t imply that you have to copy his attitude. I’ve raised you better than this, Lady Rey.”

“Haha, very funny, Rose. Hilarious, I reckon. Shove it. I was not in the mood to see his unbearable face early in the morning.”

“I understand. Anyway, next time show some manners. He did save you last night.”

Yeah, I thanked him for that, twice actually.

I go back to my bedroom and check my phone that remained turned off until now. It blinks with a lot of missed calls from Ben and a few “where the hell are you” and “I can’t believe you just left like that”, but there’s a particular message that catches my attention. Unknown number, so that would be my mother.

“Just saw solo leaving your house looking ready to hunt down and burn a village. That’s no way to seduce a man, Rey. Let’s up this deal. If you don’t follow my orders, mama Leia will find out what her son is doing when he disappears at night. And trust me when I say that you don’t even know the half of it.”

I’m thinking if getting rid of my phone would make her stop. Of course not, she’ll find a way to deliver her messages, make it more personal than it already is. 

I must listen to her, she’s ready to destroy Ben in the process. He can have me but still have his life. As much as I don’t like him, hell, I don’t even know if I don’t like him.  
With a clear plan in mind, I make Rose promise that if tonight Ben is fighting, we’re getting in no matter what. 

I lay in bed for the rest of the day, Rose brings some popcorn and the TV remote control, and we dose off from time to time, while getting lost in Netflix suggestions. 

The numbness I want to cover myself in never comes. As much as I want to forget the mess I’m being dragged in, I can’t. Multiple options of how to protect Leia, Ben, Rose from it swim in my mind. It’s up to me to keep them in the dark, even if this means that I will be the one to go down. 

There’s no call from Ben for the rest of the day. He must think I’m a cold-hearted bitch by now, if he didn’t already think that. It would be better for the both of us if we could maintain this status quo. On the long run it won’t help, so I must see him tonight and mother must witness my attempt of making a move as she suggested. 

Poe acts like his normal self, weird around me. I can’t blame the guy, he’s seen my outbursts, so he might think I’m a tiny bit crazy. He watches me intently during the fight, how I flinch every time Ben gets hit. It doesn’t mean anything, I just don’t like to see people getting beaten up. Right?

“Poe, could you take me to see Ben after this is over?”

This gets me a shocked look from him. 

“I’m not sure this is a good idea.”

“I will be on my best behavior, cross my heart, scout’s honor.”

“He will kill me for this.”

“I’ll save you”. Intervenes Rose. 

Poe manages to take me to the room where Ben is recovering after the fight, the same room as last time. I check if there are any surveillance cameras, and bingo, the hallway is full of them. Yes, mother, I am here to fulfill your requests.

I skip the knocking on the door, there’s no time for him to not let me in. He has his back turned to me, peeling off the joke of protective gloves he must wear during the fights. I have a hunch they’re just for the show, they do nothing to protect the fighter’s hands. 

“I’ll be ready and done in fifteen minutes, Poe.”

“It’s not Poe.”

Hearing my voice stops his movements completely. 

“You.”

One word but said with such fierceness. 

“Yes, me.”

“Why?”

We’re monosyllabic, ok ok, I deserve his anger. 

“I shouldn’t have left this morning. I was a coward.”

No reaction. 

“I was afraid that you’d wake up and regret everything.”

Still nothing. All I can see are his back muscles flexing under some restrain. I check if there are cameras in here as well and thankfully there aren’t any. I can actually be honest for starters, even with the risk of feeling exposed and giving him the power to see more of the real me. 

“I thought you’d send me home, reject any attempt of mine to act like last night happened and it was amazing.”

Being honest does things to Ben, so it seems. He turns to me, looking defeated but still with a glimpse of hope in his eyes. 

“What are you exactly saying, Rey?”

Could I say it out loud? I haven’t even admitted it to myself. 

“You’re wasting my time if you can’t answer my question.”

I advance with precarious strides and stop when my feet are bumping his. Here we go, I can do this, I have to. 

“I…”

“You what? You’re running out of time and I’m running out of patience.”

“I care, ok? Happy now?”

That’s enough in Ben’s book so that he can make the next move. His hand is at the back of my head pulling me straight to his lips. The way he’s kissing me is his way of letting his anger go, tasting my lips, biting them, letting them go for a second and then coming back for more. 

“Never walk away like that from me, do you understand? Only if you are ready to be chased by me, and I can assure you I will find you.”


	13. I want you... back?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you can’t promise, I can’t.”  
> “You can’t what, Ben?

  
His hold on me is solid, like he thinks I might change my mind and run away. I did this morning, I understand. I won’t run again, not now, but at some point yes. For now, I want to have as much time as I can with him.

 

‘Promise me, Rey.”

 

“What?”

 

“That you will not do it, walk way.”

 

There are a few seconds when I hesitate and without a doubt he notices. He moves one of his hands to my cheek and searches my eyes for the answer. How could I promise him such a thing when I am certain I will eventually?

 

“If you can’t promise, I can’t.”

 

“You can’t what, Ben?”

 

Now he’s scaring me with his defeated look.

 

“You know this is very hard for me to do. The fact that I am willing to do it just for you should tell you a lot.”

  
  
“But you said nothing can happen between us, your life, my life, complicated enough…”

 

He touches his forehead to mine and inhales deeply.

 

“That was before I touched you, and more…”

 

“So sex with me made you change your mind?”

 

I playfully pinch his biceps, I’m not offended by his statement.

 

“You know that’s not it. It’s more. I’m not exactly sure what , not right now, but we’ll figure it out on the way. If you want it as well.”

 

How I wish it were that easy. That we lived in another universe, where we had normal families, where he didn’t fight for my mother, where my mother wasn’t blackmailing me.

 

“I… I don’t know what to say.”

 

“Do you want me?”

 

Instead of answering him, I lightly kiss him. I’m going to miss these lips, moving sweet and gentle over mine, like we have all the time in the world.

 

“I need answers, verbal ones.”

 

“Yes, yes, I do. OK?”

 

“Then that’s it. We’ll try and see where it takes us.”

 

“So now you’re like my boyfriend, my boo?”

 

I can’t suppress the big smile spreading on my face. While my heart is clutched by a slight tingle in the background, I go ahead and do my best to ignore it, and let myself cherish this moment. A rare one for Ben it seems. He’s the one asking me to take this step into the unknown with him. Little does he know, this not something I experiment too often.

 

“Are you making fun of me, girlfriend? Do you want to see what I do when something like this happens?”

 

“Coming out of your mouth, I am both afraid to say yes but in the same time so intrigued to find out.”

 

“Let’s proceed then, shall we?”

 

He pushes me until my back hits a wall. I had a feeling we’d go down this road. Ben really does take seriously all of his actions.

 

“This is something I was imagining doing when we would have woken up together in the morning.”

 

He kisses my neck tenderly, while his hands fumble with my jeans’ zipper. We both ignore that he’s covered in sweat and starting to make my white shirt stick to me like second skin. Somehow even this feels erotic done by Ben. The heat radiating from him makes me light headed, his scorching hot fingers touching my lower abdomen are carving marks in their way, marks I know I will never forget. I don’t think I will be able to forget this man no matter what I will try. He’s almost on his knees in front of me, his hands pulling down my jeans when the door slams open and a monster of a man enters the room, not even stopping upon seeing us in the middle of an intimate moment.

 

Ben closes his eyes in frustration quickly pulling up my jeans to cover me from the menacing man’s eyes.

 

“I thought I told you to always knock.”

 

“Yeah, the boss don’t care about that. She wants to see you now.”

 

“Tell her I’ll be right there.”

 

“And be decent, you know how she hates it when you walk around without any shirt on.”

 

Then he’s out, leaving us in a deadly silence. Ben is on his feet, avoiding my eyes, speeding to the bathroom. I’m guessing he’s about to follow the boss’s request and get decent. So it’s like that then, mother gives the orders and Ben silently submits to them. What does she hold against him? He’s not the type to succumb that easy. There’s more to it than the eyes can see.

 

“Where is he?”

 

“Damn it, Poe. When did you get in?”

 

“Like now. Where is he?”

 

“Taking a shower.”

 

“What did you say to him?”

 

There’s an emoji with a straight face, straight mouth. Yeah, that’s me right now.

 

“Hold your horses, nothing to upset him. He’s simply taking a shower.”

 

Ben choses that moment to come back in the room, looking a bit surprised to find both me and Poe in a defensive pose.

 

“What happened in the five fucking minutes I washed myself?”

 

I’m trying to take no notice of his body fresh out of the shower, all that skin exposed, but also covered by the towel he has hanging on his hips. And standing just a few feet away from me. Yeah, doing a great job of tuning him out. We’re not alone in the room anymore, must not forget this.

 

“I don’t know. I found her here waiting for you.”

  
“Poe dear, don’t leave out any beautiful detail: one, you were the one who brought me here in the first place, I asked for it, but nonetheless; two, you were just in the process of blaming me that I said something to send Ben in the shower, which is kind of weird by the way. How this makes any sense in your head, is a mystery to me. “

 

“Rey.”

 

The way my name is said like a warning now makes me question if I really am at fault for the heavy vibes in the room. I stop any snarky comments that would easily leave my lips if I were to allow them and just look between Ben and Poe. How Poe must hate me now.

 

“You stay here with her until I’m done with the boss.”

 

“Yeah, sure, let me know if I need to join you.”

 

“Who’s this boss everybody’s talking about?”

 

There goes that mouth of mine.

 

“Will send a word.” Ben addresses Poe, ignoring my question.

 

After he pulls on a white t shirt and a pair of black jeans, he’s out of the room. I hope mother will not have one of her vengeful acts prepared for him, though nothing should surprise me about her. She did see me enter Ben’s room, knowing that I am listening to her, but that won’t stop her from hurting Ben. I remain looking at the door Ben exited, knowing all too well that Poe is still with me.

 

“You know… I kept wanting to ask this but it was never a right time.”

 

He takes a seat on one of the benches on my left, props his elbows on his knees and gestures for me to go on. Turning my head in his direction, I continue.

 

“Why does he do it?”

 

“Do what?”

 

“Fight. He doesn’t really need the extra money. Plus he might risk people recognizing him.”

 

“The audience is hand picked by the boss, and everybody has to sign an NDA. It would not go well for other people outside this circle to find out that they frequent such places.”

 

“So you’re telling me this is an exclusive event? I don’t remember signing such an NDA.”

 

“Oh I did that for you and Rose.”

 

“Why take the chance? We could’ve told anybody.”

 

“And expose Ben?”

 

“I wasn’t really fond of him the first time I saw him. So yeah, and that.”

 

Removing my mother from the equation, I could have used this against Ben at any moment in time.

 

“I must admit, I was afraid you’d do something rash, but I trusted Rose to calm you down.”

“Rose is not my keeper.”

 

That came out more defensive than I would have wished.

 

“You know that’s not what I am saying.”

 

“By the way, where is Rose?”

 

“She should be here in a few minutes.”

 

“Mkey, until then, back to my initial question. Why does he do it?”

 

I must be annoying, but Poe could be the only source for this information. I need a starting point in this craziness.

 

“Why don’t you ask him?”

 

“Because you’re here right now and he isn’t.”

 

Rose enters the room soundlessly, assessing the current situation, me almost putting a big bright light in Poe’s eyes just so he would cave and answer me. I’m doing it in a not so obvious manner, of course.

 

“What did I just walk into?”

 

Oh come on, Ben is back. And nobody is moving.

“Can somebody tell me? Rey, what the hell are you doing staring at Poe like that?”

 

There’s that jealousy I’m starting to like, at some sick level I didn’t know I could achieve.

 

“She was asking me about…”

 

I’m in Poe’s space in a blink, hand on his mouth.

 

“Don’t you dare.” I tell him through my teeth.

 

Rose is at my back, pulling me from Poe. I am making a scene and it will not help me in any way. She whispers for me to stop and just go home, but I know I have unfinished business with Ben.

 

Speaking of him, he’s peeling me off from Rose’s arms.

 

“OK, everybody out. Looks like me and Rey need more alone time.

 

“Uh, I’m having a déjà-vu.”

 

Poe seems the most affected by this situation , though I’m not clear why.

 

“Fine, we’re gone, but could you promise not to break anything in here? And keep it down?”

 

Ben gives him one of his scolding looks, he’s mastering them so well. I wish I’d see him smile more often, to know for sure that he can do it and that he doesn’t have some weird rare disease preventing him to move his face muscles.

 

“Come on, Rose. We’ll be outside, waiting.”

 

Poe highlights the last word with the slam of the door, hard. Look who was preaching us not to do any damage around here. We must be like a tornado together if he felt the need to tell us what we shouldn’t do.

 

“What was that all about?”

 

I can’t find the courage to ask him, to tell him, I know it could change his mood, what we are starting to build together. I’m not ready to have it crash down that fast. I look at my shoes and don’t say a thing.

 

“Hey.”

 

It’s the softest “hey” I’ve heard from him so far. That’s a quick change of mood. His hands are on my shoulders, feeling so hot even through the fabric of my t shirt. It’s just the two of us again and we’re like in a bubble, making me forget about the ugly world outside, about life.

 

“What was that between you and Poe?”

 

“Nothing to worry about.”

 

Poe better keep his mouth shut. I can't have him tell him that I’ve been poking my nose in his darkest secrets. He might want to do the same with me, and that is a no go area.

He doesn’t look like he believes me. I go on.

 

“He was annoying, maybe I was too. Is he your best friend? I always wanted to ask.”

 

“Something like that. Come home with me?”

 

“What?”

 

He slides his hands up my neck and then on my jawline. I can see his eyes following the movements of his hands, licking his bottom lip and getting more into my space.

 

“Come home with me. It’s been a hell of a day and I want to end it with you.”

 

I cannot believe this is the Ben I met not so long ago, when we were at each others throats. He’s not exactly laying a bed of roses at my feet, but he’s softer with me.

 

“I slept at your place last night. We wouldn’t want to turn this into a habit, now would we?”

 

“Wouldn’t we?”

 

“Oh, I’m not moving in with you.”

 

“You know damn well that I’m not asking you for that. Not now.”

“OK, then I’m not doing the walk of shame in the morning again. Maybe you should spend the night at my place. It would be your turn to do it. You know, to even the odds.”

 

“Fine, funny weird girl. But just so you know, that walk of shame could’ve been avoided if you would have waited for me to wake up.”

 

“Woman, you mean woman, not girl.”

 

He hugs me, pressing me into his hard body, and resting his chin on my head, because yeah, he’s damn tall.

 

“Out of everything I just said, you were bothered by one word.”

 

“Pff, I know I am weird, Ben. That’s no news to me.”

The scent of his body wash invites me to take off his t shirt and bite every muscle my eyes can define, one by one and when I’m done to start all over again. I let my hands roam under his t shirt, on his back. He sure works hard for this body, there’s no way to have such sculpted muscles without putting a lot of effort into it. His breath is now tickling the shell of my ear and memories from last night suddenly play behind my lids.

 

“Rey.”

 

“Mmm…”

 

“We should go now. Unless you want to have anybody else interrupt us.”

 

Right, I forgot for a minute there where we are.

My house is lit only by a few outdoor lamps placed along the path going to the front door. This is a sign Rose is not here. Although Poe said they would wait for us, they were nowhere to be found when we exited the building. Knowing how Rose is, she wanted to give us space, and now she’s not at my home as well, so that confirms it.

 

Before getting out of the car, Ben stops me with a hand on my knee.

 

“There are a few things I want to say first.”

 

“OK, sure.”

 

I look at him with an unspoken fear, this sounds more like a “I changed my mind” kind of speech, so I mentally prepare myself for it.

 

“First of all, I never got a chance to ask how you are feeling. It wasn’t one of my favorite moments in life to find you lying there in the woods.”

 

“I’m fine, I tend to recover after a good night sleep.”

 

“What do you mean you tend to? This has happened before?”

 

“Not like this, I wasn’t in the woods, but yes.”

 

I was alone on the streets, but he doesn’t need to know this detail.

 

“You have to be more careful from now on, OK?”

 

“I have you to save me, we shouldn’t worry then.”

 

“I’m not kidding. Rey.”

 

He looks like I’m about to commit murder and am joking about it.

 

“Fine, yes, I will.”

 

“Good. Secondly, I know we had this talk earlier, but we didn’t quite finish it. Seeing you last night with other men wishing to be the center of your attention drove me crazy. So I meant it when I said I want to try this thing between us.”

 

“So on top of the great sex you had with me, your jealousy contributed to want to have me on the long run?”

 

It was meant to be a joke, but I should know better by now. Ben Solo is not funny and not a fan of this style.

 

He pulls me over the console so that I am now straddling him in his not so comfortable car. Clearly the front seat was not created for two people. What were they thinking really?

 

“You just understand whatever the hell you like, don’t you? What do you what me to do to show you that I am serious about what I’m saying and not just doing it because of some sort of stupid ego you think I have? Do you want me to show you what I was thinking of whenever we were in the same room and I couldn’t touch you? Do you want me to shout it to the world that you’re in my mind all the time”

 

“You could call the press. We’ll make front page. I bet. For you it wouldn’t be the first time, but we might enjoy it.”

 

“OK, I’ll call a friend and we can make it happen. Right now or do you want to wait until the morning? We can better handle the after math when we’ve had a good night sleep.”

 

I stop his hand from reaching his phone. A scandal like that would be the last thing we both need. I place his hand on one of my breasts instead.

 

“I was kidding, Ben.”

 

He’s looking at his hand perfectly cupping my breast, with his other hand moving me so that I’m sliding over him a bit. His lips find mine like it’s the most natural thing we’ve always done. His tongue wants in but I withdraw, making him open his eyes to see what I’m doing and why. He tries to pull me closer, I let him take me just enough to think he can have his way, but then I pull back again.

 

“You said something about playing with fire once.”

 

“It was more then once.”

 

This man, always paying attention to all the details.

 

“Can I kiss you now or do you want me to do something else to you?”

 

He finds one of my nipples hiding underneath my t shirt and rubs it with his thumb enough to make his point.

 

“We can’t do this in the car.”

 

“Why not?”

 

His head descends towards the before mentioned nipple and covers it with his mouth, making me arch my back and push it more in.

 

“The neighbors obviously. And the police.”

 

“My mom can help us with the police.”

 

“That’s not funny, Ben. The last thing we want is for Leia to find out about us.

 

He stops and raises his head to level mine.

 

“Why would you…”

 

There’s someone knocking on Ben’s window. From my current position, I can’t see who it is, and when I want to move back to my seat, Ben holds me in place.

 

“Ben, come on, let me go back and we’ll avoid a weird situation.”

 

“I’ll give him more than weird.”

 

“Him who? What are you saying?”

 

He’s not paying attention to me anymore, while opening his window. I still can’t see who’s outside, but do pray that it’s not the police.

 

“That’s no way to treat a lady.”

 

That voice makes my body go rigid. Danny… Perhaps he won’t cause a scene. He knows about the plan, from his point of view I’m doing what I was asked to, so he should play nice.

 

“I bet you have no clue how to do that. Otherwise this lady over here would not be on my lap in my car.”

 

Let the pissing contest begin.

 

“What did Rey tell you about us?”

 

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

 

“I think you’re the one who’d like to know. And I can tell you all about it.”

 

What the hell, Danny? He’s making things worse.

 

“Danny, that’s enough. As you can see, we’re busy here.”

 

“Oh, sweet Rey is not so sweet anymore. When did that happen?”

 

I know that he will not give up that easy if I don’t have a private conversation with him. Counting on Ben to not doubt my actions, I try to move again back to my seat and this time he lets me.

Turning to him, I speak only for his ears.

 

“I need to talk only to him, otherwise he won’t stop.”

 

“I’m coming with you.”

 

The determination in his eyes, the protectiveness, they make my knees weak, this is something I haven’t felt in a while.

 

“He needs to hear it only from me. Your presence will only enrage him more.”

 

“Fine, but if he touches you, I’m out of this car to strangle him.”

 

I briefly kiss him and then get out to Danny, who’s now leaning on his car, which of course is parked in front of Ben’s. Gestures like this make me wonder what is the length the men’s egos can go.

 

“What the fuck, Danny? Does mother know you’re sabotaging what she particularly demanded I do?”

 

“While I am her most trusted man, that doesn’t mean I agree with all her actions.”

 

“And?”

 

“I want you.”

 

He must be shitting me.

 

“Is this a test mother put you up to? To see if I still have feelings for you?”

 

“She doesn’t know I am here.”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

“She doesn’t. I want you back, Rey.”

 

Yeah, and I want world peace but hey…

 

“You never looked for me.”

 

“I thought you had one of your teenage moments and then you’ll come back, but you never did.”

 

“I never did because I lost my way. And none of you came for me. I figured you weren’t too keen to have me in your lives.”

 

“But you’re here now.”

 

This conversation is going nowhere. Danny’s manipulation skills can wake up the monster I hid deep inside the darkness in me.

 

“Stop it. Go home. Leave us alone, do whatever mother asks you to.”

 

“So it’s us now? You with Solo? Following your mother’s request so fast.”

 

“None of your business. Good bye, Danny. I wish we will not see each other too soon.”

 

I gesture to Ben to get out of his car and leave Danny behind. I can’t deal with his twisted drama right now.

 

Ben catches up to me before opening my front door.

 

“Are you OK? Should I go to him?”

 

“No, he’s going home. If not, I don’t care.”

 

“What’s your history with him anyway?”

 

I have my hand on the doorknob when I answer, closing my eyes a bit to relax my mind and not let in all those Danny moments from my past.

 

“He was there for me and then he wasn’t.”

 

“I know how that feels.”

 

“I doubt it.”

 

“You’d be surprised.”


	14. Pillow talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Show me the most damaged parts of your soul, and I will show you how it still shines like the gold." (Nikita Gill)

[](https://ibb.co/Gprgpmn)

He’s sort of familiar to my house, I realize when we enter it together. He’s been here 3 times now, not like it matters in any way. My mind is scrambled by the Danny encounter. It didn’t affect me emotionally, no, I left whatever feelings I had for him back then on one empty alley, when I knew that I can make it without him or my so called family. Yes, the people that love you, let you go, but they do that if you want to be happy somewhere else, and they do it showing you that they actually care. Danny, mother, father, they didn’t… I was just a pawn in their little schemes of looking good in the high society they mingled in. They let Danny get closer to me, let me fall in love as a teenager. I shared that crazy love with him, that one you think is your first and last, and life after it will cease to exist. I became addicted to him, to his presence, his words, I could never say no to him. They managed to calm down my rebel thoughts of becoming a powerful woman at some point in life, of studying and following my dreams. All I wanted was Danny and his confirmation that whatever I was doing was the right thing.

 

When you grow up not knowing what pure and unconditional parental love can be like, you attach yourself to the first person that gives you a glimpse of what that must be like. You make that person as a constant in your life, guide your every breath to be linked to that other person’s breath. You give them the power to control you, you surrender to them, wanting to please them so that they can offer a frequent dose of… love.

 

You find out later that you must first learn how to love yourself. But how could I learn that when I didn’t know where to begin? It started with Rose, not with Danny. I thought I loved Danny, I was ready to give him everything. But I didn’t, it was a sick co-dependency nobody put a stop to it. My mind was sometimes clouded by alcohol or drugs, it was better for them to keep me subdued.

 

These thoughts take over my vision, my mind, as I am numbingly turning on the lights in the house, opening the fridge to take out cold water and some orange juice, taking two glasses from a cabinet and placing them on the table. In the back of my mind I know that I am not alone, still I can’t get out of my head.

 

I was under the naïve impression that Danny will follow me no matter where I go, that being under my mother’s wing is something that will go away, and we’d leave my home to build a life together with little control from outsiders. I knew where the money were kept in the house, Danny had only to tell me that we should run and I would have risked it all. He never did, he was very inspired to find excuse after excuse why we should stay, why I should stop with my studies once I finish high school. A girl like me didn’t need other books to learn from, I had enough of them in my room. A girl like me… I never asked him what he meant when he said that. A girl like me coming from money… with a future already defined by my parents… so easily influenced… emotionally unstable… They took advantage of me, each on his own way and I let them. That was my normality.

 

There’s a warm body behind me, a warm hand touching my left arm, another warm hand moving my hair out of the way and caressing my neck. And then lips I now remember, resting on my ear.

 

“Don’t space out on me, please. I want to make it better for you, Rey.”

 

His lost soul, this dark prince, he found me and it would be so easy to let him take my pain, my thoughts, all away. But can I risk this again? Can I risk loosing myself again, letting go of the control I put in place so strongly along the years? Would I be able to act in a balanced way?

 

He can sense my hesitation, I want to believe that he knows I’m hurting without me telling it to him.

 

“It’s hard for me to open up to anybody. You’re the only person so far who got any strong reaction out of me. And I don’t know what to do with that, Rey. I’m in the dark where you are, we’re in this together.”

 

I believe him, but it hurts. I remember not feeling wanted, rejected almost, when hugging myself was never enough. Would I survive Ben’s rejection when he will find out?

 

His hand caressing my neck moves down until it reaches the hem of my t shirt, going under it, finding my skin, sparking confused sensations in my body. How can I hurt but feel pleasure in the same time? I want it but maybe I don’t.

 

“I don’t think I can see any light without you guiding me, while I show you my darkness. Would you sacrifice for me? Would you descend with me and never go up?”

 

Without knowing it, this is what will happen. He will ascend, but I will disappear, from his life, from his mind. Hurt takes the form of tears in the corners of my eyes, desperately trying to escape me. My body starts to tremble slowly.

 

A big thumb brushes one of my tears away. Such a simple gesture, making me shudder.

 

“I’d ask you not to cry, but you’d never listen to me, little rebel that you are. Tonight, I’ll take your tears and love every inch of them. Tomorrow, we’ll start with a smile.”

 

Each word on his lips stings my heart a bit more. I will break down this man eventually, there is no other way. I can only hope he will have the strength to rebuild himself.

 

I push his hand under my shirt to go up, and hold on to this strong arm. It’s a silent accord that I need this as much as he does. Maybe I am not that good with words when it comes to Ben, but physically he matches my every move.

 

I turn my head to him, tears falling down my cheeks, close my eyes and find his lips in the dark. We need to find one another where there’s no light. This kiss is nothing like we’ve had before, it’s slow, it’s not a hungry need to feed off each other, it says we can afford to take our time, for now, it’s a silent promise that we are both trying to give in more, to open our hearts or try to.

 

“What do you say we both take a hot bath and relaxes these muscles? That damn fight is starting to take its toll on my body.”

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even think of that. Are you hurt?”

 

I place my head on his chest and look up at him. I was so caught up in my head that I didn’t even think of asking or checking if he had any open wounds or any pain. This situation is turning me into an selfish being and I hate it. I used to be like that, not anymore.

 

“I’m fine, just sore.”

 

“Then a warm bath is exactly what we need.”

 

His hands take their place on my waist squeezing a bit, his nose breathing in my hair. His voice is coarse when he speaks next.

 

“I want to ask you what are the tears for. And what can I do to stop them.”

 

“Just a lot of stress adding up lately, catching up with me.”

 

“This isn’t about him? You’re not crying over your ex?”

 

The insecurity he’s showing me is breath taking, endearing even.

 

“Of course not, the past is the past. I had a lot of time to get back to him, if that was something I wanted. But here I am in your arms, and it’s not the first time I’m doing it.”

 

“OK, just thought I should ask and make sure.”

 

Though this conversation is not taking place with us face to face, I do delve in how safe I feel with him holding me like this. There I go again thinking I could ever feel safe with somebody.

 

“I’m not interested in anybody else, Ben. Can we settle for that and move to the bathtub?”

 

He softly laughs releasing short hot breaths and making my hair roots stand up instantly.

 

“While I’d like nothing better than to spread you on this table and eat you out slowly until you beg me to stop but then to go on, and make you scream again and again, we should have that bath first. I want to be able to walk tomorrow morning.”

 

“Maybe I don’t.”

 

“Don’t worry about that. I’ll make sure you won’t be able to get out of bed by tomorrow.”

 

I wipe away the remnants of my tears and put all the self destruction thoughts in the back of my mind. Ben is here, promising to make me forget and I want to take advantage of this offer.

 

“Let me get the bath ready and I’ll call yo when I’m done. You can open a bottle of wine if you want, the fridge is mostly packed in case you’re hungry.”

 

“I’ll be fine, Rey. Now go do your magic.”

 

I mentally thank Rose for helping me choose this house with that big tub ready to fit two people. I’d have nothing against piling up with Ben in a small bath, but for the sake of actually enjoying the warm water, I’m glad I made a good decision in the past.

 

The water is almost burning hot, I pour in it some lavender oil for Ben’s muscles and a bit of bubble bath, to keep the mystery alive. I remove all of my clothes and step into the tub, toes first. Damn, it’s hot. But after I get used to it, it’s exactly what my skin needs.

 

There’s a knock on the door, somebody’s not that patient.

 

“Rey, can I come in?”

 

“You’re just in time.”

 

The door opens and in comes Ben with a bottle of wine and two glasses. So he did manage just fine. He puts the glasses on the sink, pours wine in them and gives me one. Then proceeds in removing his t shirt first. How can he make such a simple move so masculine? There’s that specific way men remove their shirts, grabbing them behind their neck and pulling them off, slowly revealing inch by inch such perfect skin. He keeps his eyes on me, my body is covered by the bubble bath so no sneak peeks for him. When pulling down his zipper, he licks his bottom lip just like I love it, making my already sensitive nipples tighten even more.

 

I take a sip of wine, in a naïve attempt to cool down my insides, the wine actually making me even hotter. I wonder if pouring it directly down my body would help in any way. With Ben giving me a show like this, I doubt it.

 

He removes his pants and boxer briefs in one slick move and there he is, all delicious muscles, ripeness, manhood. All of them inviting me to have a taste and become addicted. He grabs his glass of wine, taking a long gulp. It’s not a delicate sip, it’s a full open mouthed gulp, and suddenly I wish it was me he was drinking like that. I slip my free hand between my legs to release some of the pressure building there.

 

“Stop.”

 

How did he know? I retrieve my hand and wave it at him in surrender.

 

“That means you’ll have to do it for me.”

 

“Planning on it.”

 

Glass in hand, he positions himself behind me, surrounding me with his big legs. His length is a hot presence on my lower back and I cannot help but slide over it in short movements. That earns me a bite on my neck.

 

“You want to have a bath or…”

 

“Oh my God, Ben. Enough with the teasing, just touch me already.”

 

He takes both mine and his glass and puts them further way from us and goes directly to my breasts hidden by the bubble bath but oh so ready for his touch. He makes me arch my back and rise for a short moment above the water. There are no lit candles, the bathroom light exposing every bit of skin I’m showing to him. He makes me comfortable with my body, but that doesn’t stop me to blush all over.

 

“You like it when I touch your breasts like this? Imagining I am licking them?”

 

I manage to murmur a “yes”, as always, speaking with him when his hands are having their way around my body is not something I excel at.

 

His lips are pressing small kisses from my ear to my shoulder, and just there, yes, a little bit north from my shoulder is the place that makes my toes curl. He’s nibbling at it and I push into him with my ass, searching for release. My skin prickles even under the water from his touch, and I can tell when he’s about to touch my slit but then stops for a second. Like thinking what he’s going to do, plan the attack, like a warrior. Then he’s there, his fingers sliding easily between my folds, maybe it’s the water, maybe it’s me being wet for longer than I wanted. Circling, playing, teasing, getting me ready for him.

 

“What do you think? Are you ready? Or should we play for a while? Did you ever try this?”

 

One of his long fingers descends further down my slit, reaching my back. Oh my, that feels… different.

 

“No…”

 

But would he want it now? Should I not be eased into something like that? Prepped better?

 

“Good.”

 

He sounds like he’s very pleased about my lack of experience. That’s odd.

 

“We’ll do that soon.”

The thing is I guess no matter the words he’d whisper to me now, I’d continue to melt, but having him promising me new experiences like this… my insides are quivering with anticipation.

 

I’m placed on his legs, leaning on his chest, skin sliding over skin, water starting to overflow, but I really don’t care about the mess we are doing. His cock is teasing my folds, touching my clit.

 

“I want you...”

 

“Me too, baby. You have no idea how much.”

 

Those words hold more meaning behind than he’d be willing to admit.

 

He picks me up and let’s me impale him in my own rhythm. Painfully slow at the beginning but taking all of him in when I can’t handle it anymore. We both grunt when he’s sheathed completely by my inner muscles.

 

“You wouldn’t mind having a baby with me, would you?”

 

“What? Ben…?"

 

“I’m just kidding. I seem to loose my mind whenever I’m with you, my condoms as well.”

 

“I… it’s been only you since…”

 

“Me too.”

 

And that is all it takes for him to start moving in me. I try to move as well, let my hips be guided by his hands on them. I grab the edge of the bathtub for support, letting my head fall on his shoulder. He catches my lips in a burning kiss, while one of his hands finds my clit again and flickers it in the same rhythm we are moving. This is too much, there are so many sensations taking over my body in the same time, I don’t know on which to focus. I won’t last long, already starting to sense my insides grabbing his cock harder, like I plan on keeping him there forever.

 

“God, Rey, that is… keep doing that.”

 

What? What am I doing? Oh, I’m going to come.

 

“That’s it, come on, harder, squeeze me harder, Rey.”

 

And I do, until I reach the highest peak of pleasure where I feel like I’m suspended in the air, not being able to breathe and find my voice only when I scream his name. He continues to move us faster and faster, making the friction even more sweeter, until he stops and bites my shoulder hard. I know that will leave a sign, but again, I don’t care.

 

I am like pudding in his arms, letting him stroke my body, like comforting both of us.

 

“My head is spinning.”

 

“I can’t move.”

 

“I told you I’ll help you with that.”

 

His voice tickles my neck and makes me clench him once.

 

“You have to give me a few minutes to recover until we start this all over again.”

 

“Oh no, that’s not what I …”

 

“You don’t have to be ashamed with me for wanting to have sex. It’s a natural need.”

 

I close my eyes, this is not the type of talk I’d imagined we’d have in the after glow.

 

“That was an involuntary reaction from you vibrating your words on my neck.”

 

“Hmm, I’ll have to do that more often. Now, let’s get these sexy bodies of ours cleaned up and move to the bed.”

 

“You’ll have to do that for me.”

 

And he does, oh how he does, washing me with such a care I never knew existed, caressing, pampering my sensitive areas, letting me indulge in tracing the indents of his muscles with a soapy hand that slipped away on its own accord. He takes me to bed bridal style, after wrapping me in my fluffy towel.

 

I am laying on my back, him on his side facing me, and it just feels right. But I can’t let myself get lost… I just can’t.

 

“What are you thinking about, beautiful girl?”

 

“That this can’t be real.”

 

“But it is. Do you want me to bite you to prove it?”

 

“Oh, Ben. You should be pinching me.”

 

“I like to bite you more.”

 

He has a hand moving in slow circles on my stomach, somehow comforting me.

 

“Talk to me, what’s bugging you?”

 

“When was the last time you hugged somebody, like real hug, with feelings and all?”

 

“Where is this coming from?”

 

He  changes his posture, retracting his hand, this is the Ben who doesn’t want to talk feelings. But I’m not letting him go that easy this time, grabbing his hand and putting it back where it was.

 

“You said it was ok for me to admit that I like sex. It’s one of the things that don’t come naturally to me. I never had a partner being this open with me, letting me explore my needs, understand my body.”

 

“Next time I see your ex I’promise I will not behave."

 

Only if he knew the whole story…

 

“A woman like you should be cherished, encouraged to evolve, to discover something new each time.”

 

“You called me a woman.”

 

He laughs, and it’s so beautiful it makes my eyes water. I get a flashback of Ben when he was little and laughed all day. But did he? His mother said he didn’t have it that easy.

 

“You are impossible. I am sharing serious wisdom here and you only care that I called you a woman.”

 

“Well, it’s not like I haven’t paid attention to the rest, but yeah, I’m a woman to you.”

 

“Of course you are. Never doubt that.”

 

There’s a silence that spreads on our bodies and mind. This right here is where I’d die happy. Looks like a one of a kind moment with Ben, I want to bottle it up and drink from it from time to time, when life will not be so good to me.

 

“To answer your question, maybe when I was a kid, my grandma gave me my first bicycle for a birthday. It wasn’t the gift itself but her presence that warmed me always, she was so pure, so kind.”

 

So not his parents, Leia was right of course. I want to wrap this man in my arms and never let him go, protect him from anybody that wants to hurt him. What am I going to do when I will be the one he needs to be protected from?

 

“Will I get a chance to meet her? She sounds like a lovely person.”

 

There’s a moment when he doesn’t say anything and I think I overstepped my boundaries.

 

“I’m sorry, Ben, I didn’t mean it. It’s ok, you don’t have to present me to your extended family.”

 

“It’s not that, but she’s not with us anymore.”

 

“I’m sorry for that.”

 

“It’s ok. Let’s go to sleep, ok? I want to feel you in your arms for now.”

 

I let him spoon me and hold me tight until we both fall asleep.

 

I dream about my mother screaming at Ben and Leia that I am nothing, that I’ve been lying to them all along, that I’ve been planning to insert myself in their lives from the beginning, to ruin their so called perfect life. Her words do nothing to me, but Ben’s face full of hurt and betrayal sends daggers piercing through all of my bones. He’s not listening to me when I try to explain that it wasn’t like that, that I wasn’t the master mind of this sick plan, that I love him.

 

I wake up all sweating and teary eyed with only one thought in my mind… I love Ben? It’s a question at first, I can’t love somebody over such a short period of time. I want him, yes, I want him in my life until it’s not possible anymore. But do I love him? Do I even know what loves feel like? Maybe it’s my first time, and this is so confusing for me. Rose might shed some light in this. Until I see her, I have to calm down my heart, be careful not to wake Ben and go back to sleep also. He has his back turned to me, so I go ahead and hug him, hug him with my body, my feelings, whatever those are.

 

It’s morning when I sense that there’s somebody under the covers, carefully peeling my panties away, panties I have no idea when I put on. That’s not somebody, and I know it. Ben looks like he woke up hungry, his specific type of hungriness. He knows I’m awake from the way my body stirs when he puts his lips on me. 

 

“Mmm, this is better than freshly baked croissants.”

 

I take off the covers to see him, I want to watch the Mighty Ben between my legs, enjoying his kind of breakfast. His muzzled hair tickles my thighs in such an exquisite way.

 

He raises his head to welcome my eyes.

 

“Good morning.”

 

“It’s good if you don’t stop.”

 

“Not until you’re done.”

 

I let my head fall on the pillow and enjoy Ben’s sweet attack, until he renders me almost unconscious.

How will I survive without being woken up like this? Without his touches? Without feeling him this close?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The biggest pains are the ones we don't share. If somebody says they are fine, it doesn't always mean they are. Depression is real, it can take over your life in just a second, it can take you down, but you can survive it. Take a minute of your life to ask somebody how they are, you have no idea how this can make a difference.


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